Farce Forward - Volume 2 , livre ebook

Title Page

Farce Forward
Volume 2











By
Merv Lambert




Publisher Information

Farce Forward Volume 2 published in 2010 by
Andrews UK Limited
www.andrewsuk.com

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior written consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published, and without a similar condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

The characters and situations in this book are entirely imaginary and bear no relation to any real person or actual happening.

Copyright © Merv Lambert

The right of Merv Lambert to be identified as author of this book has been asserted in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyrights Designs and Patents Act 1988.




Little Horrors

Characters:

Mr. and Mrs. Walton, an American couple
Rowena, aged 11
Edwin, aged 11
Jo, a real tomboy, aged 9
Sukie, aged 5
Gruber, the butler
Count Vlad
Countess Anaesthesia

Scene 1

(About 10 o’clock in the evening. It is a dark and stormy night in the 1960’s. From time to time there is lightning and in the distance thunder rolls. The Waltons arrive at a ‘hotel’ in the country. The building looks like a neglected castle. They go up to the very solid front door. Mr. Walton knocks on it. They wait. Nobody comes.)

Mrs. Walton: ( To her husband ) Typical! You’ve got such a poor sense of direction. You are always getting us lost.

Mr. Walton: But it wasn’t my fault this time. You were reading the map. At least we have arrived now.

Mrs. Walton: But there is nobody here. The place is deserted.

Rowena: Look, Dad. There’s some kind of rope there.

Mr. Walton: So there is. Perhaps it’s a doorbell. ( He pulls on the rope. A sinister bell clangs nearby. )

Mrs. Walton: Some doorbell!

(Footsteps are heard approaching slowly. They stop. The door creaks open. A tall figure dressed in black and with a very pale face looks at the family without speaking.)

Mr. Walton: Good evening, sir. This place is in our guide. Do you have any rooms vacant?

Gruber: ( In a deep, sonorous voice ) Perhaps. Come in, ladies and gentlemen. I will ask the Count.

Scene 2

(They enter the castle.)

Edwin: Oh, look! Spiders’ webs. Huge spiders! It’s great!

Mr. Walton: A little mysterious maybe.

Mrs. Walton: It doesn’t look very clean.

Sukie: Mommie, I’m scared!

Jo: ( Aside ) You’re always a pain in the butt!

Gruber: Wait here please.

(He goes out and comes back almost immediately, preceded by a distinguished-looking old gentleman with an extremely pale face.)

The Count: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Castle Drac. I am the thirteenth count, also known as Count Vlad the Glad on account of my keen sense of humour. It’s a long time since we had any visitors here.

Mr. Walton: ( Shaking his hand ) Good evening, Count. This is my wife and our children Jo, Sukie, Rowena, Edwin.

The Count: Ah, twins?

Edwin & Rowena: Yessir, Mr. Count. ( They pull faces behind his back. )

The Count: Well, make yourselves at home. Gruber will show you to your rooms. Dinner is at eleven in the large dining-room. We are a little late this evening, but no matter. Till then…( He goes out. )

Scene 3

(About 11 p.m. The family arrives in the drawing-room. There is a small bar, on which can be seen a card with a list in large letters of drinks with rather strange names on it like ‘Blood orange juice’ and ‘Torquemada Sunrise’.)

The Count: Come in, ladies and gentlemen. May I introduce you to my wife, the Countess Anaesthesia? (A woman with an extremely pale face and pointed teeth steps forward and shakes hands with the parents. She peers at the children through her lorgnette rather strangely, almost thirstily.) My angel, the Walton Family.

The Countess: (Smiling) How delicious…er…sweet the children are.

The Count: Gruber, serve our guests.

Gruber: (To the adults) Sir? Madam?

Mrs. Walton: A Bloody Mary please.

Mr. Walton: I’ll try a diabolovodkatini. It sounds intriguing.

Gruber: And for the children?

Jo: A diabolosnakejuice with a real snake in it, if you’ve got one.
Sukie: I’d like…

Jo: A diabolopoison! (Sukie kicks her.) Ow!

Sukie: No, no. I want a blood orange juice.

Rowena: A cold chocolate drink for me please.

Edwin: Where’s your spirit of adventure, kiddo? We’ll have that green one there.

Gruber: Two glasses of viper venom soda then.

Sukie: I kinda like the funny names of the drinks.

The Countess: (To Mr. and Mrs. Walton) Gruber seems rather taken with the children. The Count and I adore children, but don’t have any of our own, and quite frankly we are not very good with them.

The Count: (To Sukie) Do you like our little castle, my dear?

Sukie: No. It’s dark! It’s spooky! Yuck!

Jo: (Attempting to kick her) Oh no it’s not! It sure is great! (Sukie tries to return the kick, but accidentally kicks the Count on the ankle.)

The Count: Ow! (He hops about on one leg.)

Sukie: Sorry, Mr. Count. It was my sister’s fault.

Mrs. Walton: Jo! Edwin! Stop climbing like that up the curtains!

Edwin: But, Mom, the Count told us to make ourselves at home!

Mrs. Walton: Get down, I tell you! Behave yourselves, all of you!

(By now Gruber has finished serving the drinks. He hands them round.)

The Count: My wife and I prefer sangria. ( To his wife ) And now, my dear, a toast to our guests. ( Raising his glass ) Your health.

Mr. Walton: And to yours, sir…ma’am.

Gruber: Ladies and gentlemen, dinner is served. (They pass into the dining-room.)

Scene 4

(They all come out again after the meal.)

Mr. Walton: I enjoyed that.

Mrs. Walton: It was delicious. Mrs. Gruber is a fine cook.

Jo: The clotted soup was good.

Rowena: I never knew people ate a boar’s head!

Sukie: But there weren’t any French fries!

Edwin: There were only stupid things on the menu. They could at least have done some yakburgers or something!

Jo: Aren’t they Chinese?

Sukie: Yukburgers? That’s gross! Ugh!

Rowena: The Count and Countess didn’t eat much.

Mr. Walton: Perhaps they are on a diet. Hey, just look at the time! It’s very late.

Mrs. Walton: It’s past midnight. Time you kids were in bed.

Jo: Oh, Mom! I want to play in the dungeon!