Secrets to Ruling School (Without Even Trying) (Secrets to Ruling School #1) , livre ebook

Amulet B k s New York
w i t h o u t e v e n T r y i n g Neil Swaab
P u B l I s H er ’ s N ot e : t hi i a w k f fic i n. Nam , cha ac , p ac , and incid n a i h h p d c f h a h ’ imagina i n d fic i i y, and any m b anc ac a p n , iving d ad, b in ab i hm n , v n , c a i n i y c incid n a . l ib a y f C ng C a a ging-in-P b ic a i n Da a s w b , N i , a h , i a . t h c ing ch (wi h v n ying) / by N i s w b . pag cm. — ([ a x C igan ; 1]) I s BN 978-1-4197-1221-0 (ha db ack) — I s BN 978-1-61312-836-7 ( b k) [1. i ch —Fic i n. 2. s ch —Fic i n. 3. In p na a i n —Fic i n. 4. H m i .] I. t i . PZ7.1. s 92 r 2 015 [Fic]—dc2 3 2 0150 0 2 499 t x and i a i n c py igh © 2 015 N i s w b B k d ign by N i s w b and Chad . B ck man P b i h d in 2 015 by Am B k , an imp in f AB r A s . A igh v d. N p i n f hi b k may b p d c d, d in a i v a y m , an mi d in any f m by any m an , m chanic a , c nic , ph c pying, c ding, h wi , wi h w i n p mi i n f m h p b i h . Am B k and Am P ap b ack a gi d ad ma k f Ha y N. Ab am , Inc. Am B k a a v ai ab a p cia di c n wh n p cha d in q an i y f p mi m and p m i n a w a f nd ai ing d c a i na . s p cia di i n c an a b c a d p cific a i n. F d ai , c n ac p cia a @ab am b k .c m h a b w . 115 18 h s N w Y k, NY 10 011 w .ab am b k .c m
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w elc ome to mi le sch l— tak e a pack et! w elc ome to mi le sch l— tak e a pack et!
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Chapter One w elcome to Middle School! Gosh, it ’s nice to m t y ou! he name ’s a x C o igan , and I’ m the head of the w elc oming C o i her e a t w il- liam H. af t. I t ’s my job to help ne kids lik e y ou adjus t to this “ do pe ” and “ f unk y f r esh ” environmen t. I don ’t kno if y ou ’ve heard, but mi le sch l is “ ay c l”! Do it right He o , ther e!
and it c an be a “ r adic al” experience wher e y ou ’ mak e lif e- long pals , learn tons of in ter es ting f acts , and cr ea te the f ondes t mem ories a kid c ould dr eam of . hy, it might even be the bes t thr years of y our whole do one lif e! And this pack et c on tains everything y ou n d to s tart y our incr ed- ible journey! e , don ’t be a si y Bi y, o pen it! 4
I’ m the bro y ou n d to know! h a n k s , a x ! HELPMEMAXCORRIGAN.COM
No , no , no , wha t I am is a lif e coa ch . I’ve helped kids a over this place , and I c an show y ou, t , how to mak e mi le sch l easier to bea t than the firs t level of C andy C rush. nf ortuna tely, the an doesn ’t a rove of some of my m or e . . . un orthodo x methods , which is why I ha ve to r esort to this char ade and advertise in secr et. I’ m not actua y the head of the elc oming C o i . In f act, this sch l doesn ’t even ha ve a elc oming C o i ! f c ourse , the teachers her e ar e so cluele , they don ’t even know tha t! ha t—y ou didn ’t think I was actua y some g dy-g dy brown-noser , did ya? A-ha-ha-ha- ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! h man , tha t ’s hilarious! 6
s wha t I mean? And the e guy ar e u o ed to be in charge of our f utur e! Anyway, y ou ’r e luck y I got to y ou bef or e it wa t la te. A tha t nice tu I aid about mi le ch l bef or e? F orget it. I don ’t wan t to ex a er a te , but mi le ch l i wor e than ge ing a purple nurple on y our y ou-know- wha t. You ’ve got g n who ar e eight time bi er than y ou, teacher who love to mak e y ou u er , and o many r e triction tha t even pri oner ha ve m or e f r dom. And if s howing the new tuden t around, a x? I wi h every one in thi building wa a honor able a y ou! Aw huck , r . ancr edi, it ’ ju t part of my job! ax f or the win! e love y ou, a x! Fight the power! 7
tha t ’s not b ad enough, wha t ha ens in y our firs t w k wi s tick with y ou longer than the gum undernea th y our desk in homer m. Blow it, and y ou c ould spend the next thr years as lonely as ugene each. He ’s such a scrub , even his imaginary f riend’s em b a a ed to be s n with him. You ’r e c oming to my birthday party tonight, right? he thing is , I just r emem ber ed I ha ve a lot of homework . . .
As my clien t, y ou c an be sur e tha t won ’t ha en. ha t ’s ’cuz I’ do wha tever it tak es to ensur e y our surviv al. And I mean wha tever . I don ’t let si y things lik e rules or em otions or na ow views of right and wrong cloud my judgmen t. he way I s it, sch l lif e is hard, so y ou might as we mak e it as easy on y ourself as po ible. And—unlik e certain c ompetitors of mine named evin C arl—I know a ther e is to know about this place and ha ve the perf ect s tr a te gy to help y ou kick mi le sch l’s bu . an t to hear it? ne word: cliques. , they ’r e not jus t f riends—cliques c on trol the sch l. And ge ing a epted in to one wi give y ou a the protec- tion y ou n d. But I would never se le f or a sin gle clique lik e my le er p rs—these days it ’s a about the cro over a eal. ith my bri ian t one-w k plan , I in tend to get y ou in with a of ’em! By the time y our firs t five days ar e over , y ou won ’t jus t survive this place—y ou ’ rule mi le sch l lik e a bo ! Now , I wi warn y ou in adv ance , ther e is a slight elemen t 9
of danger a ocia ted with my method. And Principal s itz c an be te if ying if he bu t y ou f or doing omething wrong. But y ou know tha t old aying: without ri k, ther e ’ no r eward. Be ide , y ou only ha ve five day bef or e the F a A em bly. And, a I men tioned bef or e , fir t impr e ion ar e everything. I f y ou ha ven ’t made a name f or y our elf by You dr ew tha t ob cene pictur e on the chalkboard, didn ’t y ou! Not while ick, twi ted f re aks lik e thi ar e f r to walk the ha ! Principal s itz! C alm down! 10
then , y ou might as we join ugene ’s one-man pity party, ’cuz tha t ’s the closes t y ou ’ ever get to si ing a t the c l kids ’ table. r maybe tha t ’s wha t y ou wan t? Yeah, I didn ’t think so . o , c ome on. e ’d be er get down to busine bef or e it ’s t la te. tep in to my o ice and I’ te y ou a about my epic plan. Did y ou a t leas t get me a c ard? Darndes t thing: the invisible drugs tor e I wen t to was c ompletely out of invisible birthday c ards. 11
Chapter T wo The pic Plan I figur e if y ou go a work someplace , y ou might as we work wher e y ou get y our bes t thinking done. C an I get y ou anything? An iced tea? ome J? o , this is it— a C asa del ayhem! HQ.
t oile hum or . Cla ic ewis. He ’s my righ -hand man. Bu I would never shak e his , ’cuz he ’s always in he b a hr m due o his i i able bowel syndrome. ewis , do we ha ve any J f or our newes clien ? I c an mak e some lem onade . Heh-heh-heh. I love dairy. hy doesn ’ dairy love me . . . ?
s o , let ’ get b ack to the m a x C o igan F lpr f m ethod of s u e . her e ar e a lot of clique in thi ch l y ou ’ n d to win over in order f or thi che e to work. However , we c an ’t go af ter every f riend group , or y ou ’ be her e ti the twelf th gr ade! ha t ean we n d to f ocu on the even a jor one . Fir t, y ou ’ve got the Jock . hey ’r e beloved throughout the ch l—e pe- cia y during play o . At the o o ite end of the pectru ar e the Nerd . I’ not ju t talking about o e over achiever with g d gr ade — the e kid ar e o art, o e of ’e ar e alr eady tudying f or the s A . he Pr ep , on the other hand, c an c alcula te the price of a pair of boa t hoe in their head f a ter than they c an pend their par en t ’ oney. De igner I t ’ g d to be king. I’ learning P ython—both the nak e language and the progr a ing language. 14
clothes? Yacht club mem berships? pring br eak on the Amalfi C oas t? I f m oney c an buy it, they ’ve got it! he Artis ts , though, wi be s tarving f or a while. ha t is , un til they hit it big and get a show in a museum. he se hips ters c an do things with pencil and paper tha t even a blind man c an s ar e tota y amaz eb a s. peaking of “ sensory impair ed,” y ou ’d ha ve to be deaf not to enjoy the Band G ks. ur e , they might be on the lower end of the social la er , but they s tay alive through teamwork and s tr ength in num bers. N ot alive , na tur a y, would be you if y ou me ed with the ough ids. heir r eputa tion ’s as b ad as r . ipnicki’s hairpiece. hey bu y, sho plif t, and You c an ’t put a price on cla . his piece of garb age? I t ’s jus t a sk etch. af ety is music to our ears. 15
throw around words I’ve only s n in dark c orners of the In ternet af ter hacking the par en tal c on trols on my c omputer . hese guys ar e no laughing ma er . I f y ou lik e jok es , though, then the Cla Clowns ar e y our p ps. hey k p sch l en tertaining by disrupt- ing boring cla es , m ocking teachers , and cr acking us up with their so phis tic a ted, cu ing-edge br and of hum or . ince the Cla Clowns ar e alr eady kind of a laughings tock t , they ’r e also the easies t clique to infiltr a te. hich is why we ’r e go a s tart with them. And it jus t so ha ens tha t andy “ a ter ot” Br a verman—the m os t hilarious kid in the sixth gr ade—is in y our firs t period. I f y ou c an impr e him , the other Cla Clowns wi sur ely f a in line! Go $*@# y our %!&$ with a #$&*, y ou *&$@*%&! ha t ’s the di er ence betw n a large pi a and rs. F elcher? A large pi a ’s way le ch sy! 16
s o , it ’ time we put thi thing in to gear and get to cla . ith my help , I’ m po itive andy wi gr t y ou with a the r e pect y ou de erve. 17
Chapter T hr ee Dying from l aughter o r he c uld tear y u apart and mak e y u a target f r every ne f his j k es. o , I m ay ha ve under es tima ted andy a li le bit—I f rg t h w much he l ves g ing af ter n bs! And this is jus t his warm-up ma terial! I f he r ea y gets n a r , this c uld turn in t a sch l-wide r as t. nle y u d s mething f as t, I f it isn ’t the new kid! hy, y u ’r e f r esher than a b le f F ebr z e. ’C urse , y u sme lik e wha t it ’s trying t c ver up . Y u sur e ar e weird l king. her e ’d y u g t elemen tary sch l? ars? o h, b urn! idwh se- lif eisg abe- miser able- f rthenext- thr years- sayswha t?
y ou ’ bec ome a punch line f or every kid betw n her e and the b and r m! Your only ho pe is to da le him by cr acking up the r m with y our m os t sid