The Other Side of the Closet , livre ebook

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSET
THE COMING-OUT CRISIS FOR STRAIGHT SPOUSES AND FAMILIES
Revised and Expanded
by
Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph.D.
This text is printed on acid-free paper.
Copyright 1991,1994 by Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph.D.
Published by John Wiley Sons, Inc.
Author s Note : The real life stories in this book, selected to illustrate common issues rather than private lives, are told in the spouses and children s own voices, with some alterations made for literary and privacy purposes. Every effort has been made, to the best of the author s ability, to keep the privacy interest intact (except for the stories by Jane and Jim, who choose to come out publicly from their side of the closet). The effort to protect individuals privacy may inadvertently result in a description of a real person unknown to the author. Any such resemblance is purely coincidental.
Publisher s Note : This book is designed to provide ideas and information about the subject matter. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions contained in this book are not intended to replace the services of a professional counselor or trained health-care professional. A professional counselor or trained health-care professional should be consulted regarding the use of any of the ideas, procedures, or suggestions in this book. The names and identities of the individuals in this book have been disguised. Any similarities to other individuals is coincidental.
The author and the publisher hereby specifically disclaim any and all liability arising directly or indirectly from the use of application of any of the ideas, procedures or suggestions contained in this book and any errors, omission, and inaccuracies in the information contained in this book.
All rights reserved. Published simultaneously in Canada.
Reproduction or translation of any part of this work beyond that permitted by Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act without the permission of the copyright owner is unlawful. Requests for permission or further information should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley Sons, Inc.
This Publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering professional services. If legal, accounting, medical, psychological, or any other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data :
Buxton, Amity.
The other side of the closet: the coming-out crisis for straight spouses and families / Amity Pierce Buxton.-Rev. and expanded.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 0-471-02152-0 (alk. paper)
1. Bisexuality in marriage-United States. 2. Coming out (Sexual orientation)-United States. 3. Homosexuality-United States. 4. Married people-United States-Psychology. I. Title.
HQ74.B89 1994
306-76 5-dc20 94-9325
Printed in the United States of America.
14 13
dedication
To my children
whose love sustained me in my journey from trauma to transformation, after my husband came out in 1983
the few friends who knew
and dared support me, without knowing what it really means to be on the other side of the closet
the two million other straight spouses and their children
whose stories aren t here, yet who could tell similar tales of pain and increased strength and understanding
and the readers of this book
with hope for spouses facing a partner s coming out for mixed-orientation couples trying to stay together, and for their children coping with grown-up issues;
with compassion for homosexual and bisexual persons coping with the intolerance of society;
and with encouragement to those who view gay and lesbian issues from extreme positions to consider the middle ground, where the human condition common to us all plays out its uneven course in individual lives.
acknowledgments
The professionals and hundreds of
spouses whose assistance was crucial to
the completion of this project are too
numerous to list. Special mention goes
to Sandra Auerback, M.S.A.,
George Deabill, Ph.D.,
Ronald C. Fox, Ph.D.,
Bill Jones,
Webster Lithgow,
Kathy McMahon, Psy.D.,
BettyClare Moffatt, M.A.,
Charles Moser, Ph.D.,
Sharon Nathan, Ph.D.,
Jay P. Paul, Ph.D.,
Aurele Samuels,
Riette Smith, M.S.,
Bryan Strong, Ph.D.,
Jane E. Vennard, M. Div.,
Claire Ortalda, my editor, whose
challenging mind helped me clarify the
confounding issues straight spouses
and children face, and PJ Dempsey, at
John Wiley, who quickly discerned
the social import of this
growing phenomenon.
PREFACE TO THE REVISED EDITION
In 1986, the San Francisco Gay Fathers asked me to research what happens to spouses when their partners come out as gay, lesbian or bisexual. For five years, I talked with four hundred and fifty spouses and partners across the country. Thirty-one (twenty-nine straight spouses, a gay husband and a lesbian wife) agreed to tell their stories in depth. This core group was representative of all respondents: in age (twenty-two to fifty-seven), in education (high school through graduate school), in occupation (wife/mother to domestic cleaner to administrator) and in length of marriage (from three to twenty-six years). Only one spouse of color from the total respondent group, however, consented to tell her story. Analysis of the narratives, using a phenomenological approach (rather than a priori hypotheses) and content analysis of self-reports of the total group revealed common issues and typical recovery stages. Some findings were validated by the literature and discussions with therapists. Most of the data, however, exposed unexplored areas of the straight spouse s experience, notably their isolation and diversity of resolutions. The most important findings appeared in the first edition of The Other Side of the Closet .
In the three years since the first edition went to press, the pace of social and political changes relating to homosexual and bisexual persons escalated. More married lesbians came out, the bisexual community grew and gay issues gained media attention and entered the political process.
During the same period, I talked at length with six hundred more individuals including children and grandparents from forty-six states and several foreign countries. Gradually, an initial hunch grew stronger: the coming out is a family matter and, to understand it better, children s reactions need to be examined directly. To fill a gap in the literature regarding children s experience over time as well as to reflect current trends, it was decided to reissue The Other Side of the Closet in an expanded edition.
As in the original study, a representative group of children, aged from eleven to thirty-two, agreed to tell their stories. The narratives were analyzed and then examined in light of the literature and interviews with therapists who work with similar children. In addition, two spouses, who experiences mirrored recent developments, shared their tales.
This new edition, based now on accounts from more than one thousand spouses and family members over eight years, broadens our understanding of what the coming-out crisis means to the family and to the larger community. The Introduction is updated as are discussions of bistraight and lesbian-straight couples. Two stories in the first edition have been replaced. One, in Part Two, is told by a wife in a bi-straight marriage of thirty-two years. In Part Four, a husband relates his struggle after his lesbian wife came out just as the 1992 anti-gay rights campaign erupted in Colorado. The new Part Six gives voice to children s long-term concerns.
As a parent and spouse, as well as researcher, I feel that a closer look at such families is needed at this turning point in the nineties. The intensity of the debate over gay rights, from Congress to church pulpits, drowns out legitimate concerns raised on both sides about social justice and community stability. As with any societal change, the future of our children will be built only after the debate quiets down. Do we leave its design to whoever wins the shouting battle? Or do we look seriously now at damage already incurred and call for a society that promises personal security and full community participation for everyone regardless of orientation? To do so may require questioning long-held beliefs. Not to act will perpetuate coming-out tragedies for thousands of families, year after year.
It is my hope that this new edition may open a window on a neglected aspect of the controversy. It reveals the problems with which families are forced to deal because of the domino effect of homophobia. The very pressures that made many gay, lesbian and bisexual persons marry as the right thing to do have led instead to family breakups and suffering.
A book containing pain and anger is not easy to read. But tracing the transforming process that families undergo to resolve profound dilemmas can be rewarding as well as enlightening. May this book be read as it was written-with humility to look candidly at real life events, with sensitivity toward everyone impacted and with hope that we might learn from our mistakes to create a better world for our children.
Amity Pierce Buxton San Francisco
contents
Introduction COMING OUT IN MARRIAGE The Untold Story
Part One SEXUAL MISMATCH Damaged Sexuality of the Straight Spouse
Personal Stories
Brainwashed
Because I m a Man
Proof of Womanhood
Healing Sexual Damage
Identifying How the Same-Sex Orientation Affected Marital Sex
Recognizing the Damage to Sexual Identity
Expressing Pain from Sexual Damage
Understanding Homosexuality and Bisexuality
Restoring a Healthy Sexuality
Part Two TRIAL AND ERROR Challenge to Traditional Marriage Styles
Personal Stories
Our Own Timetable
The Best Solution
Fine Tuning
Redefining a Lasting Mixed-Orientation Rel