Need to Please , livre ebook

“Our deepest disappointment is not living true to ourselves. Drawing from both western psychology and mindfulness teachings, Micki Fine shines a clear light on our habits of seeking approval, and offers meditations that free us to live from our own natural compassion and intelligence.”
— Tara Brach, PhD, author of Radical Acceptance and True Refuge
“ The Need to Please is an important book. It reveals the pain of leaving yourself and looking for love in all the wrong places. You will discover that all you’ve been longing for is within you—that it was never outside of you. May this wise book with its practices of mindfulness and compassion guide you into your heart.”
— Bob Stahl, PhD, coauthor of A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook, Living with Your Heart Wide Open , and Calming the Rush of Panic
“This impressive book describes how the practice of mindfulness can bring new awareness to moments of acquiescence that are driven by fear, self-doubt, or rejection. Written with kindness and sensitivity, it provides an experientially grounded road map for recovering elements of true worth and inner strength that can inform a more authentic approach to interpersonal encounters.”
— Zindel V. Segal, author of The Mindful Way through Depression and professor of psychology at the University of Toronto
“With clarity and skill, Micki Fine’s book deepens understanding by illuminating the root causes of the struggle and anxiety associated with needing to please, and step-by-step, engages the reader in a path of discovery and freedom through the practice of mindfulness and kindness.”
— Florence Meleo-Meyer, MS, MA, director at the Oasis Institute for Professional Training and Education at the Center for Mindfulness, University of Massachusetts Medical School
“This wonderful and practical book will help you release your dependence on others’ approval and find the self-acceptance and kindness you actually need.”
— Kristin Neff, author of Self-Compassion
“ The Need to Please is a step-by-step guide that shows how to progress at your own pace, toward your own specific goals, in ways that are most comfortable and useful to you. Readers will develop a deeper love for themselves and others, as well as a more peaceful and fulfilled life experience. Give it a try—you won’t be disappointed!”
— Linda Bell, PhD, professor of communication and family health, Indiana University, and a mindfulness-based family systems therapist and supervisor
“The beautiful book is truly precious for all of us who have been caught in the trance of unworthiness and felt that we needed to become pleasing in order to be loved or even tolerable. Fine offers us a way to dispel this trance and discover peace, love, and happiness in our lives just as we are.”
— Steve Flowers, MFT, author of The Mindful Path through Shyness and coauthor of Living with Your Heart Wide Open
“Why The Need to Please? Because we assume life begins someplace other than where we are right now. And we’ve swallowed the notion that we, in this moment, are not enough. Fine gives us the permission to pause and be mindful and gentle with ourselves and embrace the ordinary and extraordinary riches—beauty, compassion, generosity, creativity, and meaning—inside each one us. It’s a gift to read. It’s a gift to give.”
— Terry Hershey, author of The Power of Pause and Soul Gardening
mindfulness skills to gain freedom from people pleasing and approval seeking
Micki Fine
New Harbinger Publications, Inc. -->
Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright © 2013 by Micki Fine
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com

Excerpts from FULL CATASTROPHE LIVING by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Copyright © 1990 by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Used by permission of Dell Publishing, a division of Random House, Inc. Any third party use of this material, outside of this publication, is prohibited. Interested parties must apply directly to Random House, Inc. for permission.

“Exploring Unacknowledged Emotions” adapted from THE MINDFULNESS SOLUTION by Ron Siegel. Copyright © 2010 Ronald D. Siegel. Used with permission of The Guilford Press.

Values list within “Touching our Inner Wisdom and Intentions” adapted from NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION COMPANION WORKBOOK: A PRACTICAL GUIDE FOR INDIVIDUAL, GROUP, OR CLASSROOM STUDY, by Lucy Leu. Copyright © 2003 Center for Nonviolent Communication. Used with permission of Puddle Dancer Press.

Relationship questions within “D = Discern” adapted from CULTIVATING LASTING HAPPINESS: A 7-STEP GUIDE TO MINDFULNESS by Terry Fralish. Copyright © 2007 Terry Fralish. Used with permission of Premier Publishing and Media, Eau Claire, Wisconsin.

Portions of “Peace Treaties” adapted from TEACHINGS ON LOVE (1998, 2007 rev.ed.) by Thich Nhat Hanh. Used with permission of Parallax Press, Berkeley, California.

Cover design by Sara Christian; Text design by Michele Waters-Kermes;
Acquired by Jess O’Brien; Edited by Jasmine Star

All Rights Reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Fine, Micki.
The need to please : mindfulness skills to gain freedom from people pleasing and approval seeking / Micki Fine ; [foreword by] Diana Winston.
pages cm
Summary: “In The Need to Please, a leading mindfulness expert and psychotherapist provides compassionate, mindfulness-based techniques that will help chronic people-pleasers address and overcome their fears of failure, inappropriate self-sacrificing, loss of personal identity, and voracious need of approval”-- Provided by publisher.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-1-60882-608-7 (pbk.) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-609-4 (pdf e-book) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-610-0 (epub) 1. Self-perception. 2. Interpersonal relations. 3. Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy. I. Title.
BF697.5.S43F56 2013
158.2--dc23
2013024303
To John Thomas Pavlicek,
dearest husband and love of my life
Contents
Foreword
Acknowledgments
Introduction
1. Mindfulness
2. How People Pleasing Develops
3. Chronic People Pleasing
4. Chronic People Pleasing and Relationships
5. Coming Home to the Body
6. Mindfulness and Thoughts
7. Connecting with Your Inner Loveliness
8. Befriending Your Emotions
9. Self-Compassion
10. Living with Intention, Heart, and Meaning
11. Mindfulness with Relationship Difficulties and Conflict
12. The Path Ahead
Resources
References
Foreword
In my twenties, I found myself at a crossroads. I had been a good girl for most of my life: I ended up at a prestigious college; I excelled at being a dutiful daughter and student; I volunteered in my spare time, tirelessly taking care of others and working for social change. I had done everything right.
But underlying it all was a profound sense of unhappiness. In my mind, I was never good enough, no matter how much praise I received, no matter how hard I tried to be perfect, agreeable, and helpful. I plagued myself with criticism, aiming for perfection and always falling short.
My turning point was the incredible good fortune to stumble on mindfulness teachings while traveling abroad in India. I saw how through compassionate, moment-to-moment awareness, I could attend to my experience and not be so overwhelmed by it. I was fascinated by the insights into my mind and the relief I began to feel from self-judgment. I plunged myself wholeheartedly into mindfulness.
Over many years of practicing both in daily life and in retreat in the United States and Asia, I found that something fundamental began to shift.
Through mindfulness I worked with self-criticism, mindfully vigilant for the voice that told me I wasn’t good enough or that my worth was dependent on others. Every time these judgments arose, I noticed, softened, and ultimately began to see through them. This awareness, in combination with a good dosage of practices that cultivate positive emotions—especially self-directed kindness and compassion—created a whole new inner landscape, one of much more care and self-acceptance.
It didn’t happen overnight, and it wasn’t necessarily easy. But without a doubt, it worked. Twenty-five years later, I can see the vestiges of these habits, but they’re mostly shadows at this point.
I am certainly not the only person who has struggled with these issues, and in my current role as a mindfulness teacher, I have encountered thousands of students who have been crippled by similar issues. In fact, so pervasive is this tendency that I sometimes refer to it as an epidemic, one that affects countless people of all ages and genders and from all backgrounds.
How I wish Micki Fine’s book had been available twenty-five years ago. It probably would have saved me and many others a lot of struggle.
Nonetheless, in 2013 I’m immensely grateful for this amazing book. It is just the right antidote to the epidemic of self-hating and people pleasing.
This book takes readers by the hand, lovingly and nonjudgmentally walking us through the whys and hows of chronic people pleasing. Micki’s compassionate and expansive approach invites us to try it ourselves. Her thoughtful analysis explains the mechanisms behind chronic people pleasing, interweaving her expertise in both mindfulness and psychology to show us how all aspects of our lives can be touched by this affliction—and ultimately healed.
Micki is a skilled guide into this territory because she has a deep and long-standing personal practice, from which she draws much of her understanding. This personal experience perfectly complements her skill as a therapist. Micki knows this material fro