Letting Go of Anger , livre ebook

Letting Go of Anger
Second Edition

The Potter-Efrons continue to capture the essence of anger through their anger styles. By understanding the eleven anger styles and how they relate to each of us in a personal way, we gain insight that can unlock our own chains of anger. The Potter-Efrons have generously provided the tools to help break away from the most hardened of anger styles. Their guidance and experience will give each of us the opportunity to begin our journey on a path towards emotional freedom.
-V. William Blount, MS, author of Healthy Anger
This book offers detailed, yet accessible, descriptions of anger styles, followed by easy-to-understand alternatives to healthier expressions. Anyone who wants to examine their anger will be able to find themselves in this book.
-Susan C. Turell, Ph.D., counseling psychologist working with survivors of sexual and physical violence

Letting Go of Anger
Second Edition
Ron Potter-Efron Pat Potter-Efron
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Publisher s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright 2006 by Ron Potter-Efron and Pat Potter-Efron
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
Cover design by Amy Shoup; Acquired by Catharine Sutker; Edited by Kayla Sussell; Text design by Tracy Marie Carlson
All Rights Reserved; Printed in the United States of America
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Potter-Efron, Ronald T.
Letting go of anger: the eleven most common anger styles and what to do about them / Ronald T. Potter-Efron and Patricia S. Potter-Efron. - 2nd ed.
ISBN-13: 978-1-57224-448-1
ISBN-10: 1-57224-448-8
ISBN-13: 978-1-60882-427-4 Epub

Dedication
For David Allan Keith newest member of our family when first written, now in double digits

Contents
Dedication
I: Introduction
1: Anger Problems, Anger Styles: Eleven ways People Get Angry
II: Masked Anger Styles
2: Anger Avoidance: Trying Never to Get Angry
3: Sneaky Anger: Showing Anger by Doing Nothing
4: Anger Turned Inward: Becoming the Target of Your Own Anger
III: Explosive Anger Styles
5: Sudden Anger: Blowing Up Without Warning
6: Shame-based Anger: Turning Shame into Rage
7: Deliberate Anger: Becoming Mad to get what You Want
8: Excitatory Anger: Getting High on Anger
IV: Chronic Anger Styles
9: Habitual Hostility: Looking for Reasons to get Angry
10: Paranoia (Fear-based Anger): Feeling attacked by Everyone
11: Moral Anger: Defending one s beliefs and values
12: Resentment/Hate: Long-lasting Anger about old injuries
13: Conclusion: Letting Go of Anger
Biographies
Other Titles

I
Introduction

1
Anger Problems, Anger Styles
Once upon a time a young couple climbed a high mountain. There they saw a wise old man. He motioned for them to sit. He told them they could ask him any questions.
They asked him the meaning of life. He told them.
They asked him the recipe for happiness. He wrote it down.
They asked him about all the secrets of the universe. No problem.
Then they asked him a hard question: Oh, Great Master, we are angry so often. We hurt each other when we get angry. What can we do?
Suddenly the master glared at them, broke his pencil in two, cursed loudly, and stomped back into his cave. Alas, he muttered over his shoulder, if I could figure that out I wouldn t be sitting here all alone on this mountain!
What Do You Do When You Get Angry?
Nobody really knows what to do with their anger, at least not all the time. Anger is a gift, a natural part of the human condition, but it isn t easy to handle. Anger causes a lot of trouble in our lives.
This book is about how people deal with their anger. We ll talk later in this chapter about healthy anger-what it looks and feels like, how to use it, how to let it go. Your relationship with anger is healthy when you deal with it in this way-you recognize it, you act on it, and you let it go.
Most of this book, though, is about anger problems and anger styles. An anger problem is something that makes it hard for you to handle your anger. Examples are being afraid of your anger, liking it too much, stuffing your anger because you don t know how to express it out loud, and exploding in rage.
An anger style is a pattern, a particular way you handle your anger. The style you choose answers this question: What do I do when I get angry?
We describe eleven anger styles in this book. There are more, but these eleven are common. You may find yourself in one of them or several. As we write, we ll mention the good parts of each style, its problems, and what you can do to change if you are stuck in that style.
Before we go on, though, we d like you to take the brief quiz that follows. There are thirty-three Yes/No questions. Just answer them quickly, without worrying too much about doing it right.
Anger Styles Quiz 1. I try never to get angry. Yes No 2. I get really nervous when others are angry. Yes No 3. I feel I m doing something bad when I get angry. Yes No
_____________________________________________________________________________ 4. I often tell people I ll do what they want, but then I forget. Yes No 5. I frequently say things like Yeah, but and I ll do it later. Yes No 6. People tell me I must be angry but I m not sure why. Yes No
_____________________________________________________________________________ 7. I get mad at myself a lot. Yes No 8. I stuff my anger and then get headaches, a stiff neck, stomachaches, etc. Yes No 9. I freqently call myself ugly names like dummy, selfish, etc. Yes No
_____________________________________________________________________________ 10. My anger comes on really fast. Yes No 11. I act before I think when I get angry. Yes No 12. My anger goes away very quickly. Yes No
_____________________________________________________________________________ 13. I get very angry when people criticize me. Yes No 14. People say I am easily hurt and oversensitive. Yes No 15. I get angry easily when I feel bad about myself. Yes No
_____________________________________________________________________________ 16. I get mad in order to get what I want. Yes No 17. I try to scare others with my anger. Yes No 18. I sometimes pretend to be mad when I m not really angry. Yes No
_____________________________________________________________________________ 19. Sometimes I get angry just for the excitement or action. Yes No 20. I like the strong feelings that come with my anger. Yes No 21. Sometimes when I am bored I start arguments or pick fights. Yes No
_____________________________________________________________________________ 22. I seem to get angry all the time. Yes No 23. My anger feels like a bad habit I have trouble breaking. Yes No 24. I get mad without thinking-it feels automatic. Yes No
_____________________________________________________________________________ 25. I get jealous a lot, even when there is no reason. Yes No 26. I don t trust people very much. Yes No 27. Sometimes it feels like people are out to get me. Yes No
_____________________________________________________________________________ 28. I become very angry when I defend my beliefs and opinions. Yes No 29. I often feel outraged about what others try to get away with. Yes No 30. I always know I m right in an argument. Yes No
_____________________________________________________________________________ 31. I hang onto my anger for a long time. Yes No 32. I have a hard time forgiving people. Yes No 33. I hate people for what they ve done to me. Yes No
Notice that the questions are broken into sets of three. Each set is about one special anger style.
If you have one Yes answer in a set of three questions, you ll want to read about that style. If you have two Yes answers, that style is one of your favorites. It s affecting you a lot, so read about it very carefully. And if you have three Yes answers, you ve hit the jackpot. That is an anger style you use frequently, maybe all the time. It s not just a style but a way of life that may be causing you problems.
Let s name the eleven anger styles and say a few words about each.
Questions 1-3: Anger Avoidance
Sally says she ll meet Joe for lunch. But she doesn t show up. It s the third time in a row, but is Joe angry? Of course not. He never gets mad, he says. Joe would feel like a bad person if he got angry.
Anger avoiders don t like anger much. Some avoiders are afraid of their anger, or the anger of others. Anger seems too scary to touch. They re scared of losing control if they get mad, of letting out the monster inside them. Other avoiders think that it s bad to be angry. They ve learned sayings like Only dogs get mad and Be nice, don t be angry. They hide from their anger because they want to be liked.
Anger avoiders gain the sense of being a good or nice person because they don t get mad. That helps them feel safe and calm.
Anger avoiders have problems, though. They often don t feel anger even when something is wrong, so anger doesn t help them survive. Also, they can t be assertive, because they feel too guilty when they say what they want. Too often the result is that they are walked over by others.
Questions 4-6: Sneaky Anger
The church ladies are calling again. They want Ruth to make sandwiches for 100 people next week at the social. Ruth has other plans, but she says okay. The day of the picnic comes, and no