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Love Written in Stone
Copyright © 2011
Philip Carlson
Cover design by Lookout Design, Inc.
All emphasis in quoted Scripture is the author’s.
Unless otherwise identified, Scripture quotations are from THE HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION, NIV Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2010 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
Scripture quotations identified The Message are from The Message . Copyright © by Eugene H. Peterson 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.
Scripture quotations identified NLT are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
ISBN 978-1-4412-1463-8
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.
Published by Bethany House Publishers
11400 Hampshire Avenue South
Bloomington, Minnesota 55438
Bethany House Publishers is a division of
Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan.
E-book edition created 2011
“In this wonderful discussion of the contours of God’s loving guidance for our lives, Phil Carlson demonstrates pastoral sensitivities, theological wisdom, and an impressive grasp of the ways in which the findings of the sciences confirm revealed truths about the human condition. But most of all, he writes with a candor informed by his own deep struggles to accept an abiding, and guiding, love that can come only from the One who has created and redeemed us.”
Richard J. Mouw, PhD, President and Professor of Christian Philosophy, Fuller Theological Seminary
“Dr. Carlson’s book is a practical and profound reminder of the significance of our relationship with our Creator not only to our spiritual health but also to our mental and physical wellness. This book stands out from the other self-help and behavior modification books that steer clear of values and absolutes and leave us without answers. This book deals with the root causes of the behaviors that leave us depressed, anxious, overweight, and undernourished, and provides motivation to see ourselves as God sees us and to respond accordingly. Understanding who we are and what we were made to do gives clear direction in pursuing not only health but balance and purpose in our time on this earth. A well-thought-out prescription to our modern epidemic of the over-privileged and perpetually dissatisfied life, with no side effects. True integrative medicine!”
Preedar J. Oreggio, MD, Medical Director, Sierra Spring Family Wellness Center, Medical Staff Program for Torture Victims, LA
“We can find ourselves trapped in painful circumstances that look nothing like the ‘good life’ we dreamed we would be living. If we risk believing that change is possible, we wonder which voice to follow in a world of conflicting philosophies and advice. If you or someone you love longs to have a life worth living, Love Written in Stone is a trustworthy travel guide.
“Drawing on his experience as both a physician and a pastor, Dr. Carlson provides engaging stories, fresh biblical insights, and compassionate counsel. This book enables the reader to experience why the sinful and broken were drawn to Jesus, and ‘the way in which He was pulling for them—longing for them to turn from the mess they had made, to choose grace, forgiveness, and a new way of life, and to find their way home.’”
Kevin and Kay Marie Brennfleck, Authors, Live Your Calling: A Practical Guide to Finding and Fulfilling Your Mission in Life
“What matters most in life? In a beautifully written and carefully reasoned work, Phil Carlson evaluates available answers to the fundamental human quest for happiness, demonstrating the inadequacy of many of the most popular answers, and pointing us to our need to rest in the arms of the God who made us. In His caring love, God chooses to explain in His Word the remedy for so many of the problems we face in life, and these answers are carefully explained by Dr. Carlson in a way that brings encouragement and hope, reinforced by sound evidence from the sciences bearing out the positive impact of biblical wisdom.
“I admire Phil’s candid openness about his own life, a reminder to all of us that the life of following Jesus is not always smooth and easy. I know few pastors with the ability to write with such intelligence, clarity, and at the same time vulnerability. I am very grateful for Phil’s excellent work, and I fully recommend this book for theologians, pastors, laypeople, and anyone looking for the path to a happier and more fulfilling life.”
Mihretu P. Guta, Christian Philosopher and Apologist, Author of three apologetics books in Amharic (national language of Ethiopia), Teacher at the Evangelical Theological College, Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, MA, MASR, PhD student
To Carole,
whose love has helped make me whole.
Twenty-two years have seemed like a day.
PHILIP CARLSON, MD (ThM, Fuller, MD, University of Southern California) is senior pastor of Bethany Church of Sierra Madre and practices family medicine in Pasadena. His first book, You Were Made for Love, received a starred review from Publishers Weekly and was a featured selection of the Crossings Book Club. He and his wife, Carole, live in Sierra Madre, California, with their four children.
Introduction
I think most of us have a hard time wrapping our heads, much more our hearts, around how much God loves us. For years I found it hard to receive love, to believe that I was loveable. I more easily felt that I was defective, awkward, unworthy, that I didn’t quite measure up. God’s extravagant and unrelenting love made sense for others but not for me. Several things have changed that perception over time: contemplating the gospel and Jesus’ love for us expressed in his sacrifice on the cross; the reliable love of other people; and, surprisingly, the experience of being a father.
The love I experience as a father is different from any other kind of love. It’s not something you fall into or grow into. It just shows up, overwhelms, and changes everything. It brings out the best in you by making you long for what is best for your child. It challenges selfishness by putting you in a position to serve, to set aside convenience. It’s this crazy thing that makes you willing to die for someone you hardly know.
The day Ciara was born began such a journey. Almost four years ago, we were contacted by an adoption attorney and talked a number of times by phone with a young woman who was eighteen, pregnant, and already had two children, one of whom was in foster care. We made a commitment and began four months of waiting. Several months passed and one day we got the call. The biological mother was to be induced the next day, so Carole and I flew to Tulsa. When it was time for the delivery, we were not allowed to be in the room, but the months of waiting and the love and attachment produced in us the same feelings of excitement and concern we felt at the birth of our biological children.
But there were complications. When Ciara arrived she was in respiratory distress and rushed past us to the ICU. We waited anxiously for hours at the windows of the unit. Prematurity, a heart defect, and other issues meant she required a ventilator. As potential adoptive parents we had no status, and information was hard to come by. Finally we were allowed to see her. Carole and I sat on each side of her. There it was. That love. The same love that showed up with our other children. That crazy kind of love.
For the first few days she showed little improvement. On day four we had the added concern of a hearing in court in which a judge would make a key decision based on feedback from the biological mother that would determine the course of the adoption. We knew better than to think this was just a routine process. We had been through a failed adoption a year earlier. We were there for Aaron’s birth, named him, fed him, took care of him from the day he was born. Five weeks later he left our home. The biological mother told us she needed him back because she needed the child support. We were crushed.
As we waited to hear from the social worker on the court decision about Ciara, her situation suddenly worsened. She was transferred to a nearby medical center by helicopter and we waited there in a small waiting room. We were told that it could be hours before we would be able to see her. Eight hours passed with no news. Meanwhile, the court hearing had been hours earlier, but we still hadn’t heard from the social worker. Those hours of waiting were some of the most emotionally challenging hours of our lives.
Ciara’s nurse finally emerged from the unit, letting us know that she was stable, but that we would not be able to see her until the next day. We found a hotel nearby and for the next few hours I lay on my back, phone on my chest, in case a call came and in case I fell asleep.
About one thirty in the morning the phone rang. The social worker had checked her cell, heard the litany of messages. She had forgotten to call us. Describing herself as “the devil, worse than the devil,” she explained that things had gone well in court and that it was just a matter of time until we would be Ciara’s parents legally.
There are some things we can know through reason, the utilization of our senses, the application of scientific method. But the most basic and important questions of our existence will never be answered this way. Unless God speaks to us, unless he reveals himself, we cannot know who or what we are, the purpose or meaning of life, the d