Living with Your Husband's Secret Wars , livre ebook

© 1999 by Marsha Means
Published by Revell a division of Baker Publishing Group P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287 www.revellbooks.com
Ebook edition created in 2011
Ebook corrections 11.03.2020
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, D.C.
ISBN 978-1-4412-0101-0
Scripture marked MESSAGE is taken from The Message by Eugene H. Peterson, copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. All rights reserved.
Scripture marked NASB is taken from the New American Standard Bible ©, Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.lockman.org
Scripture marked NIV is taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com
Scripture marked KJV is taken from the King James Version of the Bible.
Poems by Juanita Ryan are used by permission.
For Troy and Tricia— I wish I could do it all again, but with no mistakes.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Acknowledgments
Introduction: Crazy Time
1. Discovering Your Husband’s Secret War
2. The Power of Healing Connections
3. The Curse of Codependency
4. Caring Enough to Confront
5. Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem
6. Changing the Only Person You Can Change
7. The Healing Power of Making Amends
8. Grieving Your Loss, Healing Your Heart
9. Forgive and Forget?
10. Finding the Courage to Begin Again
11. Being There for Others
Appendix 1: How to Start a Support Group
Appendix 2: Workbook for the Healing Journey
Appendix 3: Resource Directory
Notes
About the Author
Ad
Acknowledgments
The books I value most are the ones that help me understand and deal with my own human experience as I see my hopes and fears, my faith and doubt, my joy and pain reflected in the life stories of other people. It is my prayer that this will be that kind of book for you and that you will find yourself somewhere in these pages.
This book is a compilation of the stories of dozens of women whose husbands have struggled with some kind of “secret war.” A few have given permission to use their real names. In most cases, these women and their husbands now have public ministries to other couples going through the pain of an extramarital affair or the discovery of a husband’s sexual struggles or addiction. Information on how to contact these dedicated couples may be found in appendix 3. Among these, I want to express my gratitude to Elizabeth Harris, Marnie Ferree, Sharon Hersh, Earl and Sandy Wilson, Carol Anderson and Jim Shores, and Pamela and Richard Crist.
I am grateful, too, to Juanita Ryan for granting me permission to include several of her exquisitely crafted poems. Juanita has a gift for capturing both the joy and the pain that sometimes accompany intimate relationships. Juanita, who is a counselor, is also listed in appendix 3.
My special thanks goes to Jon and Anita T., our dear friends, for allowing us to tell their story. Anita was also an invaluable touchstone for me at several points in the development of the manuscript. Thank you, Anita.
I’m also grateful to the dozens of women who have shared their stories with us anonymously. I’ve carefully altered details and names to protect these women’s identities.
Above all, I’m deeply grateful to Pat, my husband and partner in ministry and life, for his encouragement and help along the way.
It is my hope that by reading these stories, you will find the strength and courage you need to walk the particular journey toward healing that God has placed before you.
Introduction
Crazy Time
“My husband and I are the youth leaders at our church, and he’s had three affairs. I don’t know how much longer I can go on.”
“My husband is a Christian, and he’s having an affair with a woman he met on the Internet. I don’t know how to get him to stop.”
“My husband is a pastor, and I found three hard-core pornographic videos behind the headboard in our bedroom. Since then our lives have been turned upside down.”
Unfortunately, this is not fiction. In the last two years I’ve heard more of these stories from Christian women than I ever thought possible. It was two years ago that my husband, Pat, wrote Men’s Secret Wars. His book tells how he lost the battle with sexual sin in his first marriage. It also tells how, a decade later, God has given him a speaking and writing ministry to warn men about the secret sins that can destroy their lives. Scores of Christian radio stations across the country have interviewed him since writing the book, and following every interview, our phone begins ringing. Most of the callers are women who have recently discovered their husband’s secret war. Each has her own painful story, but all the stories share one thing in common: After discovering her husband’s sexual sin, the woman is swept into a tornado of emotion. She feels wrenched from her familiar world and spun into a grief cycle, very much as if someone she loves has just died. One woman described those feelings this way:
I felt thrust into emotional shock. I experienced disbelief, hurt, loss—it felt like this couldn’t be happening. My life went into slow motion, like in a movie when the voices and pictures seem to be drenched in molasses. It was a crazy time that left my emotions fluctuating wildly from day to day, and even hour to hour. This period lasted for several days, maybe a couple of weeks. My husband couldn’t understand why I didn’t just bounce back. “I don’t understand why you haven’t moved on,” he said to me. But it isn’t that easy. Something precious and sacred that belonged to me was given to someone else, and I felt overwhelmed by grief and loss.
During this time I really needed to talk about my feelings, but I didn’t know who would understand and keep it confidential. I had a praise tape with the song “Lay Your Burdens at the Foot of the Cross” on it; for days I lay on the sofa in the living room and played the tape over and over again. I pictured myself laying my pain at the foot of the cross. I did begin to feel Christ’s comfort as I listened. If I could meet those musicians, I would tell them how they ministered to me there in my living room.
The initial period after discovering a husband’s sexual sin often feels like a “crazy time” to the women I talk to. While reactions vary—some experience rage immediately, others don’t until later—that world-is-turned-upside-down feeling is the same for each woman. They are experiencing the beginning of the grief process. It’s not a one-two-three process, but a tumultuous time filled with emotional peaks and valleys.
If you or someone you care about is dealing with the pain that mental or physical infidelity brings, know that as much as it hurts, feeling the pain is an important part of the healing. During this time, a woman needs the chance to focus on taking care of herself and to talk about what she’s feeling. She needs to take time to grieve—to journal, cling to the Bible’s promises, listen to praise music, do the things she finds most comforting, and be reminded that it won’t always hurt this much.
As I’ve talked to many, many women, felt their hurt and pain, and heard their cries for help, I’ve learned more about the dark, painful world of sexual addiction. Since hearing the stories of numerous couples, I now know this world encompasses a wide spectrum of secret behaviors: habitual lust and fantasizing, addiction to pornography, maintaining secret friendships on the Internet, frequenting prostitutes, engaging in affairs, incest, or child molestation, to name a few. Until now, I had no idea how many Christian men become entangled in some form of seemingly uncontrollable sexual activity. Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars tells the stories of many of these men’s wives and other women I’ve worked with as well. While I’ve never personally experienced the agony created when a husband has an affair, I do struggle with trust issues because Pat had an affair during his first marriage. I have also felt all the fears that come with the knowledge that there is absolutely nothing I can do to keep my husband from being tempted in our sexually saturated society.
In one of those serendipities that sometimes occur in life, I have found new strength for my own marriage as I have listened to the painful stories told by so many other women. This process has forced me to confront my total helplessness in controlling my husband and to instead surrender 13 my marriage each day to God. I then focus on my own emotional and spiritual growth and the broken places in my character.
After months of research, a route I could follow to foster this personal growth began to emerge. This book presents that route, but it’s not always a straight road. It usually includes many twists and turns and doubling back as we toil along its path. You may not follow it in the exact sequence it’s presented here, but the destination remains the same. We are traveling together to a place of hope, healing, and new beginnings. Whether you make the journey alone or with the man in your life, it is my prayer that you find help within these pages for your own pilgrimage.
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Discovering Your Husband’s Secret War
Surviving the Unthinkable
Sometimes the emptiness will be so deep, you will almost be able to feel the wind blowing through the place where your heart should be.
Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much

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