How to Grieve Like a Champ , livre ebook

P RAISE FOR H OW TO G RIEVE L IKE A C HAMP
‘A nicely written book suggesting that the modern way of grief is more than just through stages. It’s about surviving grief in the modern world and this separates it from many many previous works’
Richard Farleigh
I had many reasons to live and look forward to living but when one of those reasons is taken from you in an instant, like my beautiful wife of twenty-two years, Michelle Kiss on the 22nd May 2017 it devastated me and my family life forever. I have three lovely children who are growing up without their mother to see them fulfil their dreams and they’re going to need me now more than ever before, because in that moment I became Mum and Dad only this was the saddest version and the loneliest too. If I hadn’t met Lianna Champ, I don’t think I would be writing this today. Not that I would have done something stupid, but I would have buried my head in my pain indefinitely. She offered me and my family a way through. She was there to listen and gently fed us her wisdom, which kept me sane when it got too much. I lost a beautiful Angel on that fateful night and I’ve asked God why so many times. I don’t know what the future holds but I think God realised his mistake and sent Lianna as my Caretaker Angel.
Tony Kiss
Published by RedDoor www.reddoorpublishing.com
© 2018 Lianna Champ
The right of Lianna Champ to be identified as author of this Work has been asserted by her in accordance with sections 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, copied in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise transmitted without written permission from the author
Poem on page iv reproduced with permission Letter on page 11 reproduced with permission
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
Cover design: Megan Sheer Typesetting: Megan Sheer
Thank you to The Dragon who started this journey.
This book is dedicated to Guy Landles, my wonderful mentor and best friend, who fought his battle with cancer in the most dignified and humbling way

Guy Landles 10 July 1958–19 August 2017 Peace, perfect peace
And to all those who trusted me – thank you for letting me take your hand and guide you as you grieved. Thank you for all the learning which I can now share for the benefit of all.
Do not judge a biography by its length, nor by the number of pages in it.
Judge it by the richness of its contents. Sometimes those unfinished are amongst the most poignant.
Do not judge a song by its duration, nor by the number of its notes.
Judge it by the way it touches and lifts the soul. Sometimes those that are unfinished are amongst the most beautiful.
And when something has enriched your life and when its melody lingers on in your heart,
Is it unfinished? Or is it endless?
Author unknown
CONTENTS
FOREWORD
Chapter 1:
WHEN WE LEARN THAT SOMEONE WE LOVE IS DYING
Chapter 2:
SUDDEN DEATH
Chapter 3:
THE DAY OF LOSS
Chapter 4:
THE EXPERIENCE OF GRIEF
Chapter 5:
UNRESOLVED GRIEF
Chapter 6:
CAN WE TALK?
Chapter 7:
THE IMPORTANCE OF FUNERAL RITUALS
Chapter 8:
THE LOSS OF A CHILD
Chapter 9:
THE LOSS OF A PARENT
Chapter 10:
WHEN CHILDREN GRIEVE
Chapter 11:
THE LOSS OF A SIBLING
Chapter 12:
THE LOSS OF A PARTNER
Chapter 13:
OTHER LOSS EXPERIENCES
Chapter 14:
MOVING FORWARD
Chapter 15:
CLOSING WORDS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
FOREWORD
A t some point in your life, unless you die early, a significant loss will occur, and everything you know and love will come crashing down around you. An invisible mortar bomb has landed right in the middle of your life as you know it. At that moment everything changes permanently and there will be nothing you can do but grieve.
Later you will realise that you have changed permanently too and you will have to learn to know yourself again. It is like putting on a coat that you have always loved and sensing that it just doesn’t feel right any more. It’s uncomfortable and you have to take it off but you don’t know why. It looks the same, but…
Everyone grieves at their own pace, and in their own way. There is no one-size-fits-all way to grieve, no certain order and certainly no timeline.
There is no one-size-fits-all way to grieve, no certain order and certainly no timeline
In taking the steps to grieve positively, the frequency and intensity of grief should ease – even if it is slowly. You can cope in positive ways. If, however, years after the loss, you still struggle when you hear the name of the person who has died, or you are sleeping a lot through the day, or you aren’t participating in your normal everyday activities, or you are doing things to numb your emotions or distract yourself from your grief, these may be warning signs that you are not coping well and need to take proactive steps to begin healing. This might include sharing your feelings with someone you trust or enlisting the help of a counsellor or a local bereavement group.
Grief doesn’t have an expiry date, nor does it ever fully go away. It is an emotional handicap you live with every day, but it doesn’t mean you can’t lead a happy and productive life again. Even without the physical presence of your loved one, the love you shared with them doesn’t have an expiry date either. Recovery, however, is a choice, and takes work. Grieving in a healthy manner, taking steps to move forward, and rebuilding your life into a new normal, doesn’t mean you won’t have those tough days or tough moments, so take time and learn to be patient and kind with yourself.
Society may encourage grievers to feel guilty for grieving too long, but there are no magic techniques that will make the grief go away. There is no defined right way to grieve or correct length of time before you are expected to move on. Stripping down your emotional relationship with the person you have lost will help you to identify the areas you need to work on to heal and achieve completion.
Moving on with your life does not have to mean forgetting, and allowing yourself to hold your grief in a special place in your heart can help you to move forward.
Moving on with your life does not have to mean forgetting
My mum died on 28 August 2011. She was quirky, wise and funny. Now I can’t but smile when I think of her at certain times, cherishing those wonderful memories which are mine for ever. What our loved ones have given to us doesn’t die with them: their laughter, their wisdom, their love and compassion live on in our memories. If we incorporate what was special about them into our own lives we can carry them forward with us as a companion on those dark days.

‘Grief is a tree – memories are its fruit. We must remember to pick the fruit’
Unless people die young themselves, nobody gets through life without losing someone they love, something they need or something they thought was meant to be. Death isn’t the only cause of loss and grief. We can also lose our jobs or our health or a relationship we value. The process is the same. We are still experiencing loss and we are grieving because that person, that job or that thing mattered. We are often advised to move on and get back into our normal routines as quickly as possible, suggesting that our feelings are best dealt with quietly, without too much fuss, in private and on our own. In fact, we need to recognise the feelings that a loss brings. What does it mean to us?
Life is an unfolding series of emotional experiences
It is important to explore all the avenues that will bring us healing, to accept that an ending has taken place and to keep ourselves open to the opportunities that come with new beginnings. We have to adapt to a new way of living and being. To take up the reins of our life and stand up and say, ‘Yes, this is me.’
Life is an unfolding series of emotional experiences.
People spend a lot of time sharing intellectual ideas and quotes about recovering from grief, but very few tell you how to actually do it. The Grief Recovery Method® has successfully helped grievers for over thirty-five years. Based on a specific programme, it offers grievers the tools needed to move beyond loss ( www.griefrecoverymethod.co.uk ).
Chapter One
WHEN WE LEARN THAT SOMEONE WE LOVE IS DYING
T his is the moment when we realise that grief is on its way. For many people, the experience of grief is the great unknown. Anguish enters our hearts and we steel ourselves for the impending presence of an everlasting absence. Life suddenly becomes all the more precious. We need this time to reconcile and come to terms with the pain which we now know is about to befall us.
It is good to use this as a time to gather together those close to you and share your feelings. It is an opportunity to say what needs to be said. This is a time of preparation but also of doing. It is a time to finish all unfinished business, and it is a time for honesty. Don’t be afraid to open your heart and say ‘I love you.’ Take as many walks down memory lane as you can, evoking the warmth of happy times.
Try to reflect not on the end that is approaching but on a life lived in shared love and experiences
Try to reflect not on the end that is approaching but on a life lived in shared love and experiences. Remember the highlights of your lives together, telling the person you are about to lose what it all means to you. This helps to give you a sense of leaving nothing unsaid between you, good and bad, and will be a giant step in leaving you emotionally complete within your relationship with the person who is dying. Try to find the humour in the situation if you can. Sometimes we find our strength in laughter. It is a wonderful reliever of tension. It also releases endorphins into the body, relaxing us and drawing us together.
Use this time wisely. Following loss, we can suffer the pain of unresol