How Did I Get to Be 70 When I'm 35 Inside? , livre ebook

How Did I Get to Be 70 When I m 35 Inside? Spiritual Surprises of Later Life
2011 Quality Paperback Edition, First Printing 2011 by Linda Douty
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
For information regarding permission to reprint material from this book, please mail or fax your request in writing to SkyLight Paths Publishing, Permissions Department, at the address / fax number listed below, or e-mail your request to permissions@skylightpaths.com .
Grateful acknowledgment is given for permission to use material from the following sources: The poem Sorrow by Judy Sorum Brown is reprinted by permission of the author. The excerpt from the chapter Gratitude and Ambiguity of God Is an Amateur by John R. Claypool, copyright 1994 by Forward Movement, is used by permission of Forward Movement. The poem The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, from her book The Invitation 1999, published by HarperOne, San Francisco, is presented with permission of the author. All rights reserved. www.oriah.org .

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Douty, Linda.
How did I get to be 70 when I m 35 inside?: spiritual surprises of later life / Linda Douty. -Quality paperback ed.
P. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-1-59473-297-3 (pbk.)
1. Aging-Religious aspects-Christianity. 2. Aging-Psychological aspects. 3.
Aging-Social aspects. I. Title.
BV4580.D64 2011
248.8 5-dc22
2011004750
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Manufactured in the United States of America
Cover Design: Jenny Buono
Cover Art: Adult Hen Eric Issel e / iStockphoto.com ; Baby Chick Nicholas / iStockphoto.com
Interior Design: Kristi Menter

SkyLight Paths Publishing is creating a place where people of different spiritual traditions come together for challenge and inspiration, a place where we can help each other understand the mystery that lies at the heart of our existence.
SkyLight Paths sees both believers and seekers as a community that increasingly transcends traditional boundaries of religion and denomination-people wanting to learn from each other, walking together, finding the way .
SkyLight Paths, Walking Together, Finding the Way and colophon are trademarks of LongHill Partners, Inc., registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.
Walking Together, Finding the Way
Published by SkyLight Paths Publishing
A Division of LongHill Partners, Inc.
Sunset Farm Offices, Route 4, P.O. Box 237
Woodstock, VT 05091
Tel: (802) 457-4000 Fax: (802) 457-4004
www.skylightpaths.com
To my dear sisters, Anita and Mickey, my companions through all the stages of life, especially this last one.

Integrity is the ability to listen to a place inside oneself that doesn t change, even though the life that carries it may change.
J ONATHAN O MER -M AN
Contents
Introduction
1. Opening to Surprise
Two Doors
Don t Believe Everything You Hear
Changing Your Script
2. Surprises of the Self
I m Still Me!
Your Orphaned Creative Child
The Vanishing Social Filter
Buried Dreams
3. Surprises of the Body
Who Is That in the Mirror?
Listening to the Body s Wisdom
Coping with Pain and Illness
Libido and Longevity
Are Limitations Limiting You?
4. Surprises in Relationships
Friends Who Feed Your Soul
Renegotiating Partnerships
Adult Children: To Speak or Not to Speak
Honoring Memories
Beyond the Front Door
5. Surprises of the Sacred
God and Me
Rethinking Prayer
Heaven, Hell, or Something Else
Hearing the Spirit s Guidance
Motives and Methods
Trusting the Mystery
6. Surprising Challenges
Learning to Fly Solo
Setting Boundaries
Tying Your Shoes and Giving Up the Car
Sleeping Dilemmas
Fear and Faith
Fallacies of Forgiveness
Accepting the Life You ve Lived
7. Surprising Gifts
Being Real
The Healing Power of Play
Gratitude Is More Than a Thank-You Note
Delight in the Details
Time: Friend or Foe?
The Many Faces of Freedom
8. Surprising Wisdom
Living through Loss
Say It Now and Do It Now
Clearing the Clutter
As Simple as a Smile
Learn to Receive
Fan the Brightest Flame
One Who Never Leaves You
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
Notes
Suggestions for Further Reading

About SkyLight Paths
Copyright
Introduction
T his is the book I have longed to write. The seed was planted one spring day while sitting in my favorite rocking chair, routinely checking the daily mail. The postman had delivered two significant envelopes; the synchronicity was both startling and just plain funny.
In one hand was my new Medicare card with its twin messages: yes, I was sixty-five, the official beginning of old age as recognized by the U.S. government; and yes, I was being given a raise, because my hefty health-insurance premiums would virtually disappear.
In the other hand was the edited manuscript of my first book, written at the ripe old age of sixty-four. The obvious paradox brought a smile to my face. In one hand was a symbol of the beginning of the end, and in the other the beginning of a beginning. I used to think that age sixty-five was the start of a slippery downward slope to the cemetery. But inside, I felt a surge of enormous energy, with the potential to approach aging as an uncharted adventure instead of a prison sentence.
Five years have elapsed since that memorable day. Unexpected events have challenged me physically, financially, emotionally, and spiritually. I ve read a shelf-full of books telling me how to grow old gracefully-most of them with specific instructions on how to hold the appearance of Father Time at bay-eat like a bird, work out like an athlete, nip and tuck like a starlet, be incessantly positive, and stay busy. But those answers don t fit the deeper needs of later life.
Because I have a stubborn tendency to view everything through rose-colored glasses, I made a firm decision to approach this stage of life with a smile and a shrug. But my body and my contemporaries were saying, Not so fast, Pollyanna-this ain t all a bed of roses! So I decided to get real. After all, later life presents life s grandest opportunity for honesty.
I began to notice other changes besides the obvious wrinkles. There were invisible issues underneath the visible ones-unspoken fears, unthinkable losses, deserted dreams, and a free-floating anxiety about how and when I will die-all spiritual conundrums that emerge as time grows shorter. In contrast, surprising satisfactions and unexpected pleasures were also a part of the package. New questions bubbled up: Did men and women differ in their reactions to aging? Did their faith journeys make a difference? Did their relationship with God change? How did awareness of death affect value systems, not to mention their relationships with themselves and others?
In the work of spiritual direction-both receiving and giving in this special relationship-I ve found that the spiritual self is inseparable from the physical body, the workings of the mind, and behavior in the workplace, the home, and the world. Every thought, action, and life event has a spiritual component. So no matter whether the name of God is mentioned or not, the Spirit moves through our lives and, I hope, through the pages of this book.
I decided to get outside my own head to see what others were experiencing. Over a period of a few months, more than fifty articulate seniors agreed to respond to some pretty nosy questions (with a guarantee of confidentiality, of course):
What has surprised you most about aging?
Is there something about growing older that you ve never said out loud?
What have you discovered about yourself that you didn t know before?
How has your image of God changed as you age? Your thoughts about life after death?
What dreams have you buried?
How have you coped with physical limitations without becoming boring or bitter?
What has been your greatest challenge in aging? Your greatest joy?
How old do you feel inside ? How old are you outside ?
I encouraged them to express what they actually felt, rather than what they were supposed to feel. The discussions sparked by these questions produced such intriguing insights that I scrapped my original outline and started over. My usual approach to writing had been to decide what I wanted to say, organize a structure (table of contents), and then flesh it out. But these folks between the ages of seventy and ninety-nine kept giving me answers that I didn t expect, and it soon became obvious that there was no one size fits all, even within the same gender. Their ideas about aging were as unique as their personalities. Threads of wisdom began to emerge from their thoughtful reflections. To be honest, this is the first time I have allowed a book to be born on its own terms without my micromanagement.
The word surprise kept inadvertently popping up in our conversations. As the interviewees talked about things that surprised them, I began to get in touch with what was surprising me in my own process of aging. Along the way, I was reminded that the word surprise is essentially neutral. It doesn t always carry the aura of delight normally associated with the concept. It merely means unexpected. You can be surprised by an inheritance from Aunt Gertrude or by a cancer diagnosis during a routine physical exam.
The maturing process itself carries this same kind of unpredictability. As in all of life, there are at least two sides of the coin. On the one hand, the body s natural decline begins to show itself. On the other hand, a growing sense of self makes your appearance seem less important. Here s a side of another coin: there may be a loss of identity when familiar roles fade. On the other is the bonus of no longer having to rush to the office to make a buck or rush