Building Confidence in Your Child , livre ebook

© 1974, 1979, 1999 by James Dobson
Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www . revellbooks .com
New paperback edition published 2015
Previously published under the title The New Hide or Seek
Ebook edition created 2015
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.
ISBN 978-1-4934-0121-5
Scripture marked KJV is from the King James Version of the Bible.
Scripture marked TLB is taken from The Living Bible , copyright © 1971. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.
Scripture marked RSV is taken from the Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright 1952 [2nd edition, 1971] by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Excerpts are used by permission from:
James Dobson, Dare to Discipline (Wheaton: Tyndale House, 1973).
Mike Michaelson, ed., Growing Pains , prepared cooperatively by the American Medical Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics.
This book is lovingly dedicated to children around the world who have reason to wonder if they are loved, respected, and valuable. It is our task as their parents and guardians to satisfy their inner longings, while also teaching them self-discipline, character, and respect for others. The words that follow are intended to assist adults in fulfilling that critical responsibility.
Contents
Cover 1
Title Page 3
Copyright Page 4
Dedication 5
Preface to the Twenty-Fifth Anniversary Edition 9
Part 1: Values and Human Worth 19
1. The Epidemic of Inferiority 21
2. Beauty: The Gold Coin of Human Worth 31
3. Intelligence: The Silver Coin of Human Worth 57
Part 2: Strategies for Esteem 71
4. Build a Values-Safe Environment 73
5. Defuse the Values Bomb 93
6. Parent Positively 121
7. Help the Teenager Succeed 165
Part 3: Practicing the Strategies 195
8. A Message for Discouraged Adults 197
9. Why We Do What We Do 207
10. The Only True Values 229
Notes 233
Back Cover 236
Preface to the Twenty-Fifth Anniversary Edition
P rincess Diana was one of the most beautiful and glamorous women in the world. Paparazzi and fans followed her everywhere she went, and her likeness graced the covers of countless magazines. The “Diana look” influenced fashion and hairstyles in cultures around the world. When the princess died, millions mourned her tragic loss.
How could it be, given this international acclaim, that Diana suffered from a form of self-hatred? Is it conceivable that this most admired and emulated young woman suffered from a terrible body image, leading presumably to anorexia and bulimia? Those are very intriguing and disturbing questions that have implications for millions of us ordinary mortals.
The truth is that the values on which human worth depends in Western cultures are based on images of perfection marketed by the entertainment industry and the culture in general. They set an impossible standard of excellence for many individuals. Not even a beautiful princess could measure up to its imperious demands. Contestants in beauty contests, including the Miss America and Miss Universe pageants, are often aware of their flaws and shortcomings. If asked, they will divulge which aspects of their bodies they find frustrating and embarrassing. Some even seek surgical remedies for these perceived imperfections.
If the most beautiful and handsome people in the world often feel inadequate and insecure, what about today’s teenagers? How is a gangly and immature kid supposed to deal with rejection and name-calling by those who are blessed with the coveted characteristics? And what about the individual who not only lacks a measure of physical attractiveness but also fails in school and faces other assaults on personal worth?
Indeed, it is this common scenario that led me in 1974 to address what I observed to be an “epidemic of inferiority” within a generation of children. At that time, I was an assistant professor of pediatrics at the University of Southern California Medical School and was working with many families who asked me how to help their kids cope with everyday pressures. Thus, I sat down to write a book eventually titled Hide or Seek , which offered ten strategies for parents and teachers seeking to build healthy and confident children. The book was an immediate bestseller and has continued as a classic of child rearing to this day.
As I write, twenty-five years have passed since Hide or Seek was first published. In that period, the popular culture has become even more vicious and unforgiving. Thus, it is very difficult to get our kids through adolescence without their experiencing some elements of self-hatred and loathing. Holly­wood, the rock music industry, television, fashion models, and the internet make it clear to children and teenagers every day that some people are valuable and others are not. Those who don’t measure up are “dissed” and treated like “geeks” and “nerds.” In short, the need for advice on how to build confidence in children is greater than ever.
At times it seems that the pop culture is at war with families. For example, studies verify that 50 percent of nine-year-old girls and 80 percent of those ages ten to eleven have tried to diet because they perceive themselves to be fat. How sad that vulnerable kids feel compelled to be something they are not in order to avoid ridicule and rejection by their peers.
What is responsible for the destructive attitudes that continue to plague the young in cultures around the world? There are many logical answers, but I believe the American entertainment industry must take much of the blame. Its culpability is illustrated by a 1999 study conducted in the islands of the South Pacific after the penetration of Western television by satellite transmission. For the first time, teenagers began watching such programs as Melrose Place and Beverly Hills 90210 . The attitudinal changes occurring have been dramatic, including the adoption of fashion and hairstyles of the television stars. More importantly, the girls began exhibiting symptoms of serious eating disorders.
Dr. Anne Becher, executive director of the Harvard Eating Disorder Center, studied sixty-five Fijian girls who watched television at least three times per week. She found that they were 50 percent more likely to perceive themselves as “too big” or “too fat” than other girls. Nearly two-thirds had attempted to lose weight in the past thirty days. What is even more distressing is that 15 percent of the girls said they had deliberately vomited to control their weight. In 1995, when television arrived, only 3 percent were bulimic. Clearly, the girls have been attempting more recently to emulate Heather Locklear and the other “skinny” but beautiful actresses. Fijian teenagers are learning what several generations of American girls have understood—that achieving “the look” is critical to social survival. This is why they do such foolish things as putting rings through the tips of their tongues, where millions of tiny nerves are located, or “decorate” their youthful bodies with tattoos that they will someday hate. Can there be any doubt that parents whose children are under this pressure and dozens of other cultural influences need help?
This is the background for my book, which is still relevant after all these years. However, the language was beginning to show the ravages of time. The illustrations had become dated, for example. Thus, we set about revising and updating the concepts that I had written when Richard Nixon was still the United States President. The result is Building Confidence in Your Child , a copy of which you hold in your hand.
I introduced the original version with this explanation:
John McKay, the great football coach of the University of Southern California and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, was being interviewed on television when the subject of his son’s athletic talent was raised. That year John McKay Jr. was a successful player on his dad’s college team. Coach McKay was asked to comment on the pride he must feel over his son’s accomplishments on the field. His answer was most impressive: “Yes, I’m pleased that John had a good season last year. He does a fine job, and I am proud of him. But I would be just as proud if he had never played the game at all.”
Coach McKay was saying, in effect, that John’s football talent is recognized and appreciated, but his human worth does not depend on his ability to play football. Thus, his son would not lose respect if the next season brought failure and disappointment. John’s place in his dad’s heart was secure, independent of his performance. I wish every child could say the same.
To the contrary, human worth in our society is carefully reserved for those who meet certain rigid specifications. The beautiful people are born with it; those who are highly intelligent are likely to find approval; superstar athletes are usually respected. But no one is considered valuable just because he or she is ! Social acceptability is awarded rather carefully, making certain to exclude those who are unqualified.
Believe it or not, a five-year-old is capable of “feeling” his or her own lack of worth in this system. Most of our little ones have observed very early that some people are valuable and some aren’t; they also know when they are one of the losers! In many ways, we parents inadvertently teach this system to them, beginning in infancy to place a price tag on human worth. The result is