Mindful Path through Shyness , livre ebook

“A heartfelt and practical guide to the application of mindfulness for approaching, resting within, and ultimately transforming one’s relationship to social fears and inhibitions.”
—Zindel V. Segal, Ph.D., author of The Mindful Way Through Depression
“Steve Flowers has written a warm, accessible, funny, and practical book to help people use mindfulness to reduce problematic shyness. With great good humor, he also shares personal experiences, challenges, and insights that helped him overcome his own shyness. His book is a valuable contribution to the self-help literature on shyness, revealing how shyness is adaptive, how it can turn into a barrier to achieving your goals, and how it can become another passing experience that you can notice, accept, and then let go, so that it doesn’t diminish your quality of life.”
—Lynne Henderson, Ph.D., faculty member at Stanford University
“ The Mindful Path Through Shyness draws on transformative meditations and psychological wisdom. The anecdotes and guided practices provide a wonderful support, not only for those who suffer from anxiety, but for all who wish to live an openhearted and mindful life.”
—Tara Brach, Ph.D., author of Radical Acceptance
“ The Mindful Path Through Shyness is a generous offering of the powerful and practical tools of mindfulness practice, specifically geared to the situation of those who are living with debilitating shyness and social anxiety disorder.”
—Sharon Salzberg, author of Lovingkindness
“Reader, in your hands is a beautifully crafted elucidation of the healing power of mindfulness for catalyzing a powerful, positive shift in your relationship to shyness and social anxiety. Clear, kind, and wise, it is a true call to remember the fullness that we are behind our symptoms and suffering. Eminently practical, the use of metaphor is striking and revelatory. Here’s one: ‘If shyness is a wilderness, mindfulness is your compass.’ Steve Flowers has walked in this wilderness; he has found the trail. With tremendous care and attention, he shows us a way through.”
—Saki F. Santorelli, Ed.D., MA, associate professor of medicine at the University of Massachusetts Medical School and author of Heal Thyself
“Shyness is more than a social inconvenience. It can be a debilitating process that keeps us from making the intimate connections with others that is biologically and psychologically necessary for our well-being. Steve Flowers uses his considerable skill and wisdom to illuminate this dilemma with the light of mindfulness practice. He presents compassionate insight and practical guidance that gently lead us into an authentic ease and confidence in our social surroundings.”
—William Martin, author of The Parent’s Tao Te Ching
how mindfulness and compassion can help free you from social anxiety, fear, and avoidance
Steven H. Flowers
New Harbinger Publications, Inc. -->
Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2009 by Steve Flowers
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup
Text design by Michele Waters-Kermes
Acquired by Jess O’Brien;
Edited by Jasmine Star
From A PATH WITH HEART by Jack Kornfield, copyright ©1993. Used by permission of Bantam Books, a division of Random House, Inc.
epub ISBN:9781608824625
The Library of Congress has catalogued the print edition as:
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Flowers, Steven H.
The mindful path through shyness : how mindfulness and compassion can help free you from social anxiety, fear, and avoidance / Steven H. Flowers.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN-13: 978-1-57224-650-8 (pbk. : alk. paper)
ISBN-10: 1-57224-650-2 (pbk. : alk. paper) 1. Bashfulness. 2. Social phobia. 3. Fear. I. Title.
BF575.B3F55
158.2--dc22
2009023480
“Love After Love” from COLLECTED POEMS 1948-1984 by Derek Walcott. Copyright ©1986 by Derek Walcott. Reprinted by permission of Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, LLC.
From PARADISE LOST by John Milton, edited by Christopher D. Ricks, copyright ©1968 by Christopher Ricks. Used by permission of Dutton Signet, a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
From LET US HAVE FAITH by Helen Keller, copyright ©1940 by Helen Keller. Used by permission of Doubleday, a division of Random House, Inc.
From Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life by Byron Katie and Stephen Mitchell. Copyright ©2002 by Byron Katie and Stephen Mitchell. Published by Harmony Books, a division of Random House, Inc.
“Unconditional” by Jennifer Paine Welwood, copyright © by Jennifer Paine Welwood. Used by permission of the author.
From MAN’S SEARCH FOR MEANING by Viktor E. Frankl. Copyright ©1959, 1962, 1984, 1992 by Viktor E. Frankl. Reprinted by permission of Beacon Press, Boston, MA.
From A PATH WITH HEART by Jack Kornfield, copyright ©1993. Used by permission of Bantam Books, a division of Random House.
To Mary Anne, the love of my life
contents
foreword
acknowledgments
introduction: approaching a mindful path
Part I starting from where you are
1 the nature of shyness
2 mindfulness and healing
Part II coming home to yourself
3 practicing mindfulness
4 embracing the nonverbal world
Part III caring for yourself mindfully
5 you are not your thoughts
6 welcoming emotions
7 the wisdom of turning toward
Part IV interpersonal mindfulness
8 cultivating mindfulness in interpersonal relationships
9 the healing power of compassion
epilogue: a hidden wholeness
resources
references
Mindfulness Practices
mindful breathing
mindful breathing
mindful breathing
mindfulness of the body
body scan meditation
narrow-gauge walking meditation
broad-gauge walking meditation
freight trains of thought
mental noting
mindful yoga
releasing fear meditation
loving-kindness practice
choiceless awareness
forgiveness
See for Yourself Exercises
eating a raisin
the internal observer
mindfulness of hearing
exploring desires between us
exploring aversions between us
exploring judgments between us
situational exposure
practice compassion informally
Self-Exploration Exercises
exploring your unpleasant emotions
caring for unpleasant emotions
investigating social aversion
preparing to forgive
foreword
Shyness in all of its forms, including social anxiety, exacts a painful toll on us as individuals, interpersonally in relationships, and as members of larger communities. Outward appearances of shyness or behaviors of social avoidance usually reflect an inner life marked by what Steve Flowers calls “trances of fear and inadequacy.” Such trances are self-sustaining through deeply entrenched habit patterns in mind and body, and they are intense. They create a profound degree of suffering for the person who is experiencing them.
And who hasn’t felt anxiety or fear in response to a relationship or a social situation?
While some authorities note that social anxiety is the most prevalent of the various types of recognized anxiety disorders (with a lifetime prevalence as high as 13 percent), this book points out that “it is not weird to be shy.” Perhaps as many as 50 percent of Americans are shy, according to some surveys.
So, it is with much appreciation and great respect for Steve Flowers and this book, and with deep compassion for all who are touched by painful shyness and anxiety, that I am happy and motivated to write this foreword. I know Steve Flowers as a friend and colleague, and as a fellow practitioner of mindfulness in the larger community of those now doing mindfulness-based stress reduction and other mindfulness-based interventions. Steve is a dedicated student of mindfulness practice and meditation, and has many years of experience doing personal meditation practice and teaching mindfulness. Moreover, whenever I have been around Steve, I have felt immediately the depth and warmth of his presence, gentleness, and great respect for others.
It is no surprise, then, that these same qualities—presence, gentleness, and respect—reach out to the reader from every page of his book. Steve has created a sensitive, mindful investigation of shyness that invites any reader very gently into the possibility of a totally new way of being. He suggests that by developing mindfulness more explicitly in your life, no matter how shy or avoidant you may feel, you can “grow through shyness” and find a life that is infinitely more satisfying and joyful. And he offers a very clear path for you to follow to explore the possibility and process of growing through shyness for yourself.
This book is accessible and easy to follow. Steve uses skillful and entertaining personal examples and revelations to guide the reader through basic concepts such as the nature of shyness and mindfulness. Along the way, he offers beautiful and detailed instructions for the actual practice of mindfulness, suggests many ways to work mindfully with thoughts and emotions associated with shyness, illuminates the importance of cultivating kindness and compassion for yourself, and illustrates the application of mindfulness and compassion to promote less fear and more happiness in relationships and social settings.
Following Steve’s guidance, if you read this book carefully and actually practice the different meditations offered, you will likely find powerful healing and much insight into yourself and the true nature of shyness, anxiety, and fear.
What truths could help you “grow through anxiety”? Anxiety and fear are not an identity, and they are not permanent. They will n