The Long Way Home , livre ebook

Contents
Cover
Series
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
A Note to Readers
Acknowledgments
What Readers Are Saying
Preface
Introduction Sandcastles for Adults
Part 1: Adults Who Were Children of Divorce
Chapter 1: You Are Normal
My Research
How You Managed as a Child
Chapter 2: You Can Re—Right Your Past
Getting Ready to Heal
You Have the Power
The Questionnaire
Part 2: The Re-Right Your Past Program
Chapter 3: Avoid Obstacles
Step 1, Week 1
Meet Reality
Journal Time
Chapter 4: Find Your Truth
Step 2, Week 2
How Your Past Determines Your Truth Today
Is Your Life on Autopilot?
Writing Down Your Memories
Memory Truths
Sum Up Your Memories
How Truth Unfolds
Get Ready to Write
Chapter 5: Reflect Clearly on the Past
Step 3, Week 3
Flashbacks in the Brain
Take Back Your Life
How Divorce Affected Tim
The Parent Letter
A Conversation with Your Child Within
Get Ready for Change
Chapter 6: Create Change in Your Life
Step 4, Weeks 4 and 5
Becoming Change
The Beginning of Change
Sarah's Steps to Change
Tim's Steps to Change
Making the Shift
Talk Back to Your Autopilot
Chapter 7: Going Forward
Awareness Is Your Friend
Your Maintenance Plan
Part 3: Resolving Major Issues
Chapter 8: Finding Peace with Your Parents Today
Getting to Forgiveness
Fair Warning
How to Accomplish Your Goal
Where to Go from Here
Chapter 9: Getting Comfortable with Love
Your Opposite—Sex Parent
Marrying a Healer
Learn How to Fight Calmly
The Biggest Mistake of Failed Marriages
Chapter 10: Embrace Trust and Honesty
Fact Versus Opinion
What's on Your Mind, Honey?
Let History Be Your Barometer
Chapter 11: Infidelity
The Best Rules for Avoiding Infidelity
Cheating Signs
Let's Talk
Chapter 12: The Insecure Parent
How You Were Told about Your Parents' Divorce
Honesty Is Often a Delicate Issue
An Ongoing Self—Check
Chapter 13: Money Issues
A Lesson for Us All
Chapter 14: Your Best Self—Help Tools
Start Talking
Deal with Your Sadness and Depression
Consider Therapy
Religion Works for Many
Epilogue
The Worst Part of Divorce
The Best Part of Divorce
Persistence Pays
Index
Also by M. Gary Neuman
Connect to Love: The Keys to Transforming Your Relationship
The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It
In Good Times and Bad: Strengthening Your Relationship When the Going Gets Tough
How to Make a Miracle: Finding Incredible Spirituality in Times of Struggle and Happiness
Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship
Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way

DVD Series
Neuman Method: Creating Your Best Marriage

Copyright © 2013 by M. Gary Neuman. All rights reserved
Cover Design: Wendy Mount
Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey Published simultaneously in Canada
Text design by Forty-five Degree Design LLC
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, (978) 750-8400, fax (978) 646-8600, or on the web at www.copyright.com . Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, (201) 748-6011, fax (201) 748-6008, or online at http://www.wiley.com/go/permissions .
Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and the author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.
For general information about our other products and services, please contact our Customer Care Department within the United States at (800) 762-2974, outside the United States at (317) 572-3993 or fax (317) 572-4002.
Wiley also publishes its books in a variety of electronic formats and by print-on-demand. Some content that appears in standard print versions of this book may not be available in other formats. For more information about Wiley products, visit us at www.wiley.com .
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:
Neuman, M. Gary. The long way home : the powerful 4-step plan for adult children of divorce / M. Gary Neuman. p. cm. Includes index. ISBN 978-0-470-40922-0 (pbk.); ISBN 978-1-118-21923-2 (ebk); ISBN 978-0-470-45027-7 (ebk) — ISBN 978-1-118-21924-9 (ebk) 1. Adult children of divorced parents. 2. Children of divorced parents. I. Title. HQ777.5.N483 2013 306.89–dc23 2012031776
For Mom
A Note to Readers
All stories in this book are true and are told in each individual's own words. Every person represented in this book has been part of Gary's research and has not seen Gary for any form of personal therapy. Names and identifying information have been changed in order to protect their anonymity.
Acknowledgments
To all of the participants in my research who then used this book and shared their very hearts and souls. Your struggles, hard work to change, and desire to share with others in the hope of helping them is so admirable. You represent the very best of what we are as people. I hope I've honored your disclosures with respect and that others can benefit and grow from your participation in this book.
Esther Neuman, MSW, for the incredible work and countless hours of work. Your help with the research, contact with participants, and organization have given beautiful voice to those who share their very depths in this book. You handled the interviews with such sensitivity and warmth. Your willingness to help is so appreciated. Mom and I are blessed to have you as our daughter.
Carol Mann, my amazing agent. Thanks for believing in this project. You're always there to answer every call and make this book better. Your professionalism is unmatched.
Debora Yost, for your outstanding editing assistance. Thanks for being there so many times and genuinely caring about the help this book offers.
My editor, Tom Miller, for your excellent suggestions. You always care deeply about my work and it shows with your energy and desire to help me create the best books in me. We did it again!
My copyeditor, Judith Antonelli, and production editor Hope Breeman, for making this book proper and keeping it on schedule.
And on a personal note: my wife, Melisa. After twentyfive years, I can't distinguish where I begin or end without you. We are one soul. Your overwhelming love, care, and warmth fuel my every moment. Thank you for your goodness and the passionate spirit you bring to our lives.
My children, Yehuda, Esther, Michael, Pacey, and Daniel. The love we have is my life. You have grown into adults and each of you makes us so proud. All of you are always there to learn together, laugh together, and listen together. I am blessed to have each of you in my life.
To everyone in the Neuman and Simons clan. I am supported by all of you and wouldn't be anywhere if it were not for each one of you. Thank you for the strength you give me every day.
Bonnie, for still being the smartest person I know and for your graciousness.
The One Above, who does not need anything from me and yet still wants to believe in me. Thanks for Your blessings. I hope I have made You proud and have properly reflected Your goodness.
What Readers Are Saying
Reading Gary Neuman's book and participating in his program have allowed me to see hope in my life. It sounds like a cliché to say it, but before participating in the program, a perpetual cloud cover followed me. Now, thanks to this book, the clouds are passing and I can feel the sun shining on my life.
Reading this book made me feel like I was receiving advice from a friend who knew exactly what I was going through. I couldn't believe that someone was able to relate to my experiences so clearly. Gary explained what I always knew—that my parents' divorce, even though I was very young, altered the direction my life would take, how I would view myself, and the relationships I would make.
As I worked the program, I had insights that stopped me in my tracks. At times some of the memories were so painful I wasn't sure I could go on with the program, but Gary's encouraging words helped me persevere. By the time I got to the part on change, I was so at ease with my journaling. Each day I could actually put on paper who I wanted to be and how I wanted to act. Amazingly, many days the exact things I wrote down came to be!
The snowball effect continues to this day. I have gained more selfconfidence. I am a more positive thinker. I am aware of my limitations and love myself in spite of them. I have created boundaries. I do not tolerate people treating me badly. I love myself more than I ever have. And, in turn, possibly for the first time, I am loving others—truly. I am grateful for it all.
I am still a work in progress. I will read this book again and am glad that I have it as a resource whenever I need to brush up on my awareness. The tenets in Gary's plan are simple, but I am the proof the