Give and Take , livre ebook

© 1996 by Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Published by Revell a division of Baker Publishing Group P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287 www.revellbooks.com

For individual use, forms in appendixes may be copied without fee. For all other uses, all rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Ebook edition created 2013

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—for example, electronic, photocopy, recording—without the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

ISBN 978-1-4412-4158-0

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.
To Joyce
My best friend
C ONTENTS
Cover
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Part 1 Negotiating for Compatibility

1 Why Can’t We Just Get Along?
The Struggle for Compatibility in Marriage
2 The Love Bank
How Couples Fall In and Out of Love
3 Meet Your Giver and Taker
Why Marital Negotiation Is So Tough
4 The Three States of Marriage
How the Giver and Taker Can Mess Up Your Mind
5 The Policy of Joint Agreement
How to Be Thoughtful and Caring When You’re Not
6 It’s Okay to Make a Deal
How to Negotiate for Compatibility

Part 2 Learning to Protect

7 Become a Jerk in Five Easy Lessons
How Love Busters Destroy Compatibility
8 Mine Sweeping
How to Overcome Angry Outbursts
9 I Want It Done Now!
How to Overcome Selfish Demands
10 Let Me Ridicule Your Shallow Opinions
How to Overcome Disrespectful Judgments

Part 3 Learning to Care

11 I Need You!
What Are the Most Important Emotional Needs?
12 Let’s Get Real
How False Assumptions Create Incompatibility
13 If You Scratch My Back . . .
How to Get Your Spouse to Meet Your Most Important Emotional Needs
14 Why Can’t We Just Talk?
How to Meet the Emotional Need for Conversation
15 Is It “Nobody Does It Better” or Is It “Never Gonna Get It”?
How to Meet the Emotional Need for Sexual Fulfillment
16 When You Need Me, I’ll Be There
How to Meet the Emotional Need for Affection
17 You’ll Love the One You’re With
How to Meet the Emotional Need for Recreational Companionship
18 Give and Take Your Way to Compatibility
How to Resolve Everyday Conflicts with the Policy of Joint Agreement

Appendixes

A Love Busters Questionnaire
B Emotional Needs Questionnaire
C Friends and Enemies of Good Conversation Inventory
D Strategy to Meet the Need of Conversation
E Friends and Enemies of Good Conversation Worksheet
F Sexual Experience Inventory
G Strategy to Create a Stage of Sexual Experience
H Sexual Experience Worksheet
I Sexual Fulfillment Worksheet
J Affection Inventory
K Strategy to Meet the Need of Affection
L Affection Worksheet
M Recreational Enjoyment Inventory
N Strategy to Meet the Need of Recreational Companionship
O Recreational Companionship Worksheet

About the Author
Other Books by Author
Back Cover

Chapter One
W HY C AN ’ T W E J UST G ET A LONG ?
T HE S TRUGGLE FOR C OMPATIBILITY IN M ARRIAGE
M arrying Mike was the worst mistake she’d ever made. That’s how it looked to Joan as, day after day, she tried to survive a husband who ignored, belittled, or yelled at her. She often wished she were dead.
Mike also painted a desperate situation. He left the house each day while his wife was asleep and his children were running wild. He returned from work to a house in shambles, his kids still on a rampage. Dinner was every man for himself. He spent most evenings trying to settle his children down while Joan escaped to watch TV in their bedroom. On weekends, to avoid fights, they went their separate ways. They had not made love for over a year.
Joan and Mike came to my office in a last-ditch effort at marriage counseling. The counselor who referred them to me described them as “incredibly incompatible.” As I met with them and heard their stories, I could see what he meant.


Compatibility: The ability to live together in harmony.

Mike was a day person, Joan a night person. He would get up early for exercise and reflection, while she liked to roll out of bed around eleven. By ten at night, he was ready for bed, and she was ready to rock and roll.
Joan was abstract in her thinking, a free spirit, creative and whimsical. Mike was concrete, down-to-earth, no-nonsense. She loved to dance, but he wouldn’t be caught dead on a dance floor. He loved sporting events; she hated them. In my office, they went on and on, describing all the ways they had nothing in common.
They did have one thing in common, however: They hated each other.
I had to concur that incompatible was a good way to describe them—they seemed incapable of living together in harmony. Again and again they had proven that they simply could not get along. It was hard to imagine how these two had ever been deeply in love.
How Do Loving Couples Become Hating Couples?
What happens to the care and affection that mark the beginning of a romantic relationship? Where do they go?
Or more to the point, how do two people fall in love to begin with? And then how do they fall out of love?
It’s a matter of emotional needs.
Simply stated, people fall in love when their emotional needs are met. They fall out of love when those needs are no longer met.
During courtship, we consider how well a prospective spouse can meet our emotional needs. Some prospects do a poor job, some do a good job, and one of them does a great job. That’s the one we fall in love with and usually marry.
But what goes wrong? Why do so many marriages fail?
Marriages fall apart when spouses stop loving each other, and they stop loving each other when they stop meeting each other’s emotional needs. This can happen for a host of reasons. Sometimes one partner’s needs change—what used to work doesn’t anymore. Some spouses get lazy. Some give up when they feel the relationship has been unfair—and they go on strike.
Indeed the business of meeting needs in marriage is very delicately balanced. The balance can be tipped in many ways and, once broken, a marriage is very hard to restore. Both spouses must meet each other’s needs if the balance is to be preserved, because when one fails, the other usually quits.
Good marriages are not all “give” or all “take.” They’re “give and take.” They’re well-balanced. When spouses communicate their emotional needs to each other and meet them simultaneously, they’ve discovered the formula for lasting love and a fulfilling marriage.
So there you have it, Mike and Joan. Just return to the days when you were meeting each other’s emotional needs, and your marriage will be fine!
Not so fast.
Mike and Joan had not been getting along for years. In that time, they had developed a lifestyle of habits and activities that made each other miserable. Their marriage was not just a graveyard of unmet needs, lacking any spark of love; it was a war zone, where land mines went off every day. The pain they suffered had caused them to become bitter enemies.
Need meeting was out of the question. First they needed to declare a truce—put down their weapons. After the bullets stopped flying, when it was safe to step out into the open, they could begin thinking about meeting each other’s needs. But that seemed a long way off.
I invite you to join me in the counseling sessions with Mike and Joan. If your marriage is anything like theirs, you may have given up hope. But let me assure you, there is a way back to the days when you found each other irresistible. It worked for Joan and Mike, and it can work for you.
But you have to take it one step at a time. Halfway through this book, we’ll be looking at what drew you and your spouse together in the first place—those important emotional needs that must be fulfilled in your marriage. But first you must be emotionally ready to meet your spouse’s needs and to have your needs met by someone who may, at this moment, be your enemy. We must tackle those hurtful habits that threaten the safety of a marriage—I call them Love Busters.
But before we tackle those, let’s consider some basic principles of how relationships work. What goes into the making of that delicate balance we call marriage?
Chapter Two
T HE L OVE B ANK
H OW C OUPLES F ALL I N AND O UT OF L OVE
I t started in science class. Joan’s good looks and great figure got Mike’s attention. Since science was not her strong suit, Mike proved very helpful in explaining new concepts. When she finally asked him to study with her, he was blown away.
Soon they were getting together to “study” almost every day. Once in a while they even opened their science books. Most of their time, of course, was spent getting to know each other. It seemed so easy to talk in those days; their conversations would last for hours. During this time they discovered what made each other happy.
Sports made Mike happy. Joan liked to shop. Mike was into politics. Joan enjoyed talking about her friends and family. Mike wanted to be told how smart he was. Joan wanted to know she was loved. Mike liked passionate women. Joan liked to be pampered.
Their differences were new and exciting, and each tried to accommodate the other. Joan studied up on politics and sports, especially football. Mike went shopping with her and made a special effort to get to know her friends and family. Joan praised his achievements. Mike showered her with affection, and Joan responded passionately. They were trying to become compatible.
There was a bittersweet taste in the way they told me of those early days in their relationship. The memories seemed like a dream