Chemistry of Connection , livre ebook

“This book is full of fascinating information about the biology of attachment. It uses the newest data from psychology, neuroscience, and molecular biology to explain how we love, why we sometimes can’t, and how to develop this deep human capacity by understanding oxytocin. I learned a lot about myself and the people I love.”
—Helen Fisher, professor at Rutgers University and author of Why We Love and Why Him? Why Her?
“ The Chemistry of Connection is a beautiful book about how to nurture lasting love between ourselves, our mates, and our children. Kuchinskas gives readers essential information about connection and bonding. She helps readers understand the brain chemistry behind who we are.”
—Michael Gurian, author of The Wonder of Girls and What Could He Be Thinking?
“ The Chemistry of Connection is a marvelous book. It brings the science of oxytocin into the service of love in an engaging and practical way. Anyone who wants to understand and improve his or her relationships should read it.”
—Paul J. Zak, Ph.D., professor and director of the Center for Neuroeconomic Studies at Claremont Graduate University, discoverer of the relationship between oxytocin and trust
“We know intuitively that hugging and cuddling are not just good for you, but essential ingredients to well-being. This book explains why. Read it to learn how to get more nurturing connection in your life.”
—Reid Mihalko and Marcia Baczynski, creators of Cuddle Party
“In The Chemistry of Connection , Susan Kuchinskas helps her readers understand important aspects of how oxytocin enhances relationships, and more importantly, how to navigate some of the obstacles we encounter on the often rocky road to love.”
—Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., author of Emotional Fitness for Couples and Emotional Fitness for Intimacy

Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2009 by Susan Kuchinskas
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup; Text design by Amy Shoup and Michele Waters-Kermes; Acquired by Melissa Kirk; Edited by Nelda Street
All Rights Reserved.
epub ISBN: 9781608825059
___________
Library of Congress has cataloged the print book as:
Kuchinskas, Susan.
The chemistry of connection : how the oxytocin response can help you find trust, intimacy, and love / Susan Kuchinskas.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN-13: 978-1-57224-623-2 (pbk. : alk. paper)
ISBN-10: 1-57224-623-5 (pbk. : alk. paper)
1. Oxytocin--Popular works. I. Title.
QP572.O9K83 2009
615’.782--dc22
2008052315
contents
acknowledgments
introduction
CHAPTER 1 making the connection
The Connection Chemical
A Question of Balance
Why Newborns Can’t Love
Chapter 2 how babies learn to love
How Mothering Shapes the Oxytocin System
Mothering and Oxytocin Styles
How Mothers Learn to Mother
The Circle Widens
Chapter 3 always the lonely
When Love Goes Wrong
The Cycle of Failed Attachment
Learning to Connect
Chapter 4 romance: the first step to commitment
Getting Together
Romance: The Next Level
How Sex Forges the Bond
Good-Bye to Romance?
Why Can’t I Fall in Love?
Chapter 5 the chemistry of commitment
The Monogamous Brain
Men and Women Are Different
Chapter 6 raising kids who trust and love
Recreating the Way We’re Parented
Mothering and Fathering, for Boys and Girls
Families Take Charge
The Oxytocin Advantage
Loving Generations
Chapter 7 feathering the nest
It’s Never Too Late
Things to Do by Yourself
Things to Do in Groups
Things to Do One on One
The Future: Oxytocin as a Drug
conclusion
references
acknowledgments
Sue Carter was extremely generous with her time and information, sharing her papers, patiently explaining her work, and offering rigorous comments on the oxytocin craze. Karen Bales was my first guide to the fascinating neurochemistry of bonding. Paul Zak kindly shared his groundbreaking work with humans, as well as his encouragement and friendship. Peter Gray’s early enthusiasm and comments provided an impetus to keep going, while his fascinating research on fathers greatly added to this book. My editors, Melissa Kirk and Jess Beebe, believed in this book, and offered deep and thoughtful comments throughout the writing process. My agent, Jeff Kleinman, was invaluable in helping me shape the work. The dogs I’ve shared my life with, Benson, Amaryllis, Toby, and Udupi, taught me to nurture. Hypnotherapist Marilyn Gordon helped me to fire my work with a pink glow. Linda Jean Cranmer ushered me into the amazing world of birth and opened me to a rebirth of my own self. Joe Picard and Chico State University allowed me to enjoy two days with Allan Schore, the guru of attachment, during the Children in Trauma conference. My soul sisters, Linda Donahoo, Jessie West, and Janis Mara, provided a secure base from which I could explore and challenge myself. In addition, Jessie’s tender and tough editing was a big help in getting my story straight. My parents, William and Gloria Kuchinskas, have always done everything they could for me, and still do. My sister, Margi Lee, is a mirror, a foil, and a pal. My niece Kate has brought much healing to my family, and let me experience baby love for the first time. And last but not least, Mike Freeman is the love of my life. Thank you, sweetie, for everything.
introduction
the Inuit don’t really have twenty-eight words for snow (despite popular belief), but we humans could use twenty-eight different words for love—in any language. We employ this single inadequate term, “love,” to describe a multitude of states, from the way a stranger’s touch sends fire across our skin to the crazed period when we can’t stand to be away from our lover to the delight we feel in our grandchildren.
This book talks about one kind of love: the deep, enduring bond of committed love, the kind of bond forged by oxytocin. Oxytocin floods our bodies with feelings of connection, trust, and contentment. This neurochemical is released during orgasm, creating that lovely afterglow. It travels through the bloodstream as it rouses the pleasure center of the brain when we’re stroked, when we’re physically close with loved ones, and even when we share time with close friends. Oxytocin is the secret to forming committed relationships, turning lust into long-lasting love. The oxytocin bond is the basis for lifelong relationships of all kinds: between parent and child, two siblings, or even two close friends. Oxytocin lets you live happily with a life partner. It keeps you up all night with a colicky baby. It makes you glad to donate a kidney to your sister.
It may seem unbelievable that love, one of the most complex and intense experiences of life, could depend on a single chemical. And, in fact, oxytocin doesn’t make its magic in a vacuum. Human biology being the incredibly complex system that it is, oxytocin cooperates with several other neurochemicals to make it feel good to be with friends and lovers, to make it feel better than almost anything else. It interacts with the neurochemicals of pleasure to make sex and love rewarding. It stimulates the release of prolactin, the hormone that readies the female body and brain for childbirth and mothering.
We humans are hardwired for love and connection. Because of the way our brains respond to the mix of oxytocin and dopamine, humans are among the estimated 3 percent of mammals that are monogamous (Insel 1997). Now, biologists define monogamy a bit differently from the way we think of it in the context of marriage. They see monogamy not as about sexual exclusivity but, rather, as a way of life. Socially monogamous animals live together in stable family units consisting of a mated pair and their offspring. Males and females cooperate in gathering food and caring for their young. They do mate for life, although both mates may occasionally copulate outside the pair.
The difference between a socially monogamous animal and a promiscuous one seems to be the way oxytocin receptors—the cellular structures that take in specific molecules—are distributed. Monogamous mammals have more oxytocin receptors in the parts of the brain that handle social interactions and reward. Because of this, the monogamous mammal not only remembers the pleasure of sex and interaction but also ties that memory to his or her partner.
But oxytocin isn’t just about sex. In 2004, Andreas Bartels and Semir Zeki, of the Max Planck Institute in Germany, scanned the brains of men and women as they thought about their beloveds, and then scanned the brains of mothers as they thought about their babies. They saw the same parts of the brain become active in these different emotional states, parts that are rich with oxytocin. Anytime you look at bonding, any kind of bonding, you find oxytocin. Dogs enjoy a burst when someone pets them, guys given a snort in the lab suddenly trust each other, and couples resolve spats after a whiff.
While oxytocin lets us remember whom we love, and makes it rewarding to be with them, it does much more than create feelings of attachment. It’s active throughout the body, relieving stress and ­promoting healing. As oxytocin flows through the bloodstream, it lowers blood pressure, reduces cortisol levels, and improves digestion (Uvnäs Moberg 2003). That’s why love not only makes us happy but also keeps us healthy.
So, if our brains are wired for love and our health demands it, shouldn’t we move toward emotional and physical intimacy—of all kinds, not just sex—as simply and naturally a