Accident Book , livre ebook

The Accident Book
100 Ways to Keep Calm and Carry On
Michael Sarling
Austin Macauley Publishers
2019-05-31
The Accident Book About the Author Dedication Copyright Information A Note on the Images Disclaimer A Dictionary Explanation of My Events Preface Chapter 1: A Quick Life History Chapter 2: Early Beginnings and a Foretaste of Things to Come Chapter 3: Attempting to Alter My Facial Appearance Chapter 4: Early Experiments with Drugs Chapter 5: First Swimming and Drowning Lessons Chapter 6: Egg Head Chapter 7: Primary Skool Chapter 8: Life Between 5 Years and 10 Years Chapter 9: Big Boys’ School Chapter 10: Interests Outside Big Boys’ School Chapter 11: Scouting for Boys Chapter 12: Mugged Chapter 13: The Flower Show Chapter 14: Smog Chapter 15: My First Real Job Chapter 16: The Start of My Construction Career Chapter 17: Peters & Barham Ltd Chapter 18: Held Hostage Chapter 19: Site Investigation Chapter 20: Smoking and Ice Breaking Chapter 21: First Sight of My Guardian Angel Chapter 22: The Tiger Moth Chapter 23: The Boat Chapter 24: Fishing Chapter 25: The White Jumper Chapter 26: Snared Chapter 27: The Bullnose Chapter 28: An Electrifying Change of Job Chapter 29: Honeymoon Bliss Chapter 30: Trying to Run Over a Policemen Chapter 31: Drunk in Charge Chapter 32: Late for Tea Again Chapter 33: Food Poisoning Chapter 34: Building the M25 Motorway Chapter 35: The Pack of Hounds Chapter 36: Danger UXB Chapter 37: Archaeology Chapter 38: Land Rovers Chapter 39: Don’t Worry Beth Chapter 40: The Swimming Landy Chapter 41: The Dyke Chapter 42: The Estate Car Chapter 43: Helping the Hedge Trimmer Chapter 44: Helping the Snowman Chapter 45: The Next Day in the Snow Chapter 46: Laying Down on the Railway Line Chapter 47: Stranded Chapter 48: Road Rage – The Scotsman Chapter 49: Road Rage – Druggies Chapter 50: The Angry Gypsies Chapter 51: ‘What Am I Doing Here’ Situation – Iraqis Chapter 52: ‘What Am I Doing Here’ Situation – Vegetables Chapter 53: ‘What Am I Doing Here’ Situation – Vandals Chapter 54: Burglars Chapter 55: Guns – The Rat Chapter 56: Guns – The Pheasant Chapter 57: Guns – The Maternity Hospital Chapter 58: Can I Have a Bed for the Night? Chapter 59: General Accidents – An Interlude Before the Next Batch Chapter 60: The Clock Chapter 61: The Tooth Chapter 62: Don’t Step off the Ceiling Joists! Chapter 63: Horses – How It All Started Chapter 64: The Horsebox Chapter 65: The Horsebox and the Stallion Chapter 66: Granite Chapter 67: General Riding Accidents Chapter 68: Honey Chapter 69: Sherry Chapter 70: Purdy Chapter 71: Hunting Chapter 72: A Typical Hunting Day Chapter 73: Purdy’s Puncture Chapter 74: Trinity and the Dog Rose Chapter 75: Bertie Chapter 76: Judging Horses Chapter 77: Saffy Chapter 78: Saffy and the Puma Chapter 79: Saffy’s Colic Chapter 80: Three Wheels on my Wagon Chapter 81: The Danish Barge Chapter 82: The Shooting Stick Chapter 83: Early Flying Attempts – or Not Chapter 84: Flight Training Adventures Chapter 85: Overloaded in a Cessna 172 Chapter 86: Aerobatics Chapter 87: Jumping Without a Parachute Chapter 88: Lincolnshire from 250 Feet Up Chapter 89: Into a Thunderstorm Chapter 90: Lunch on the Isle of Wight Chapter 91: Giving George Some Flying Advice Chapter 92: Anything to Declare? Chapter 93: The Broken Spring Chapter 94: The Good Flying Days Chapter 95: Lunch in a Railway Tunnel Chapter 96: The Skyline Drive Chapter 97: Norway Chapter 98: Two Bulls on Christmas Eve Chapter 99: The Health & Safety Inspection Chapter 100: The Future? Epilogue
About the Author
The author lives quietly in North Essex with his wife, Gill and, at the age of 70, he decided to write a book about the hundreds of unusual events and accidents which have befallen him from his birth to the present day. After leaving school at the age of 15, he worked in a printing works, an architect’s office, gravel production and heavy earthmoving. Although semi-retired, he still finds time to try and kill himself – accidentally, of course.
Dedication
I would like to dedicate this book to the following people who have had to endure my mishaps:
To my wife Gill, who, for over 46 years, has sometimes watched me have an accident and has also nursed me back to health by issuing supportive grumblings.
To my sister, Brenda, who protected me from bullies in my early years and who also reminded me of some of the incident details and who also cried with laughter at some of my stories.
To my mother, Joyce, who must have had a few heart attacks as she watched her little boy becoming damaged and who stopped herself from throwing me out of the window.
To all the people who became wrapped up in my incidents whether they knew it was my fault or not.
Copyright Information
Copyright © Michael Sarling (2019)
The right of Michael Sarling to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.
Any person who commits any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.
A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.
ISBN 9781528920629 (Paperback)
ISBN 9781528963145 (ePub e-book)
www.austinmacauley.com
First Published (2019)
Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd
25 Canada Square
Canary Wharf
London
E14 5LQ
A Note on the Images
All the images are the copyright of the author except the following, which the author acknowledges with appreciation:
Bullnose (Chapter 27) – Courtesy of the Classic and Sports Car Centre, Malton, North Yorkshire
Daytona (Chapter 28) – Carphoto.co.uk
Clay pigeon trap, clay pigeon breaking (Chapter 57) – Courtesy of the A1 Decoy Shooting, Wick, Bristol
Horsebox (Chapter 64) – Copyright FotoLibra Group
Brunel & Stansted tunnel banquets (Chapter 95) – Copyright Ironbridge Gorge Museum/Bridgeman Images
Bull (Chapter 98) – Credit to Dogwood Farm Kentucky, USA. GNU Free Documentation Licence Version 1.2
The author has tried to gain copyright permission for the ‘Danger UXB’ map image which appears in Chapter 36 but has been unable to do so. If the copyrighters can be found, then the image will either be removed or credited in future publications of this book.
Disclaimer
Before you read my book, I must protect myself from being taken to court by you, the reader, just because you tried to recreate one of my stories. I must insist that you do not try out any of my adventures and then blame the outcome on me.
Please don’t try them!
The last thing I want to happen is that you recreate one of my stories and then you get yourself killed and then take me to court and stand there in the dock with an elderly person wearing a white wig looking on and accuse me that it was because you read my book that you are now dead.
Please also note that my ideas on current Health & Safety procedures are only my own and not generally accepted by accident claims insurers. Unlike me, try to stay safe and keep out of trouble!
I hope you enjoy my book.
A Dictionary Explanation of My Events
Accident (noun) Something bad that happens that is not expected or intended and that often damages something or injures someone (Done that, been there).
Incident (noun) An event that is either unpleasant or unusual (Done that, been there as well).
Adventure (noun) An unusual , exciting and possibly dangerous activity , such as a trip or experience , or the excitement produced by such an activity (Done that, been there, as well, as well).

And these events often cause:
Adrenaline (noun) A hormone produced by the adrenal glands during high stress or exciting situations. (Got through gallons of the stuff).

My method for pulling out a nail from an asbestos roof using a crowbar. Scruffy the dog looks worried for some reason
Preface
My wife Gill was washing up in the kitchen when she heard a thump and crash coming from the bathroom upstairs. She instinctively knew that I must have slipped out of the shower while I was cleaning it, but even so as she was walking up the stairs, she shouted, “What have you done now?” Entering the bathroom she found me lying on the floor with one leg over the loo and a pair of ‘Y’ fronts over my head. My left foot and ankle was turning shades of red and blue and I was laughing.
“I really do think I should write a book about my accidents, because if I find them funny, then others might?” Gill looked down on me and asked why I had a pair of underpants on my head. “Well, the spray I was using to clean the shower was getting up my nose, so instead of getting a face mask, I just grabbed the underpants. They have two holes for the eyes and the nose and mouth are covered.” Gill looked down on me in disgust and I said, “The pants are clean!” and then she also started laughing.
My wife often calls me Mr Beige and I have never woken up one morning and thought, Today I shall do something exciting or dangerous or Today I shall harm myself or Today I am going to be reckless . My adventures have just happened without much planning or thought and all I have wanted to do was to get through life and survive. I just wanted to live a quiet life and do a normal job, but it just hasn’t turned out that way.
Why did I finally decide to write this book? Well, my sister Brenda has Multiple Sclerosis and is in a nursing home. Whenever I visit her I usually tell a story from an event in my life to amuse her and to cheer her up. One day she remarked that I should write them all down because she thought other people might be interested to read about them, “OK, I’ll do it,” I said.
A book slowly formulated in my mind so I started to list down all the accidents and unusual incidents that I