Eating Out - By Staying In , livre ebook

Keith Taylor’s Introduction

What follows is a way to put a smile on the faces of grumpy Old Men (and women) everywhere and a route map to manufacturing and transporting your favorite cuisine to your dining room instead of traveling miles to spend a fortune on grub you can easily cook yourself. I will show you how to save a good few quid, have no worries about the boys in blue on the way home and allow you to do a passable impression of the late great Keith Floyd. Providing you CLEAN UP after yourself in HER kitchen, don’t use too many elastoplasts and follow my simple instructions, you will put a big smile on the bride’s face and earn loads of brownie points.
The Format

The book is laid out in 12 chapters each detailing recipes from a different country, thus effectively giving you a choice of 12 ethnic restaurants in your own home. The countries are: Great Britain, France, Italy, Spain, North America, Greece, Morocco, Turkey, Goa, India, Thailand, and China. Within each chapter I have given recipes for a soup and a starter, then a choice between fish or shellfish in a seafood section. For the main courses I have provided recipes using as their dominant ingredient Beef, Lamb, Pork (where permitted), Chicken, Game, Offal and a Veggie option. Finally I give a pudding option, thus allowing you to construct a one, two, three or four course meal. So there you have it: 12 cuisines with 12 recipes each. An amazing but manageable 144 ways to your beloved’s heart. If all does not work out as you had hoped be not downcast; for the price of this book may be less than the price of a starter at your local Gastro pub.



The Assumptions

The assumptions made in this little guide are meant for those males who wince when they see the legions of T.V. “chefs”, and think to themselves, like the wonderful and ever hopeful Yosser Hughes in The Boys from the Black Stuff; “gi’ us a job, I can do that“. Strange that the majority of T.V. cookery programmes are hosted by male chefs, with the wondrously talented exceptions of the twin towers of culinary erotica - La Smith and La Lawson. Perhaps because of the minimal production costs in “cooking” programmes, this form of alleged entertainment invades our homes each day with a bewildering volume of recipes, demonstrated by an egotistical, manic expert called a chef. This “celebrity” will also have written (or had written for him) a book from the programme that you might imitate his cooking in your own home, and as if that was not enough may even bring out a range of “own label” cooking gadgets. Now is the time to ask” just how difficult is this cooking lark?”, so just maybe this little guide may provide an answer and allow you to become your old girl’s very own celebrity chef.
It is assumed you have an average kitchen, or perhaps you have been persuaded to “up grade” on the basis of added value and are now disappointed that, despite the fortune you’ve spent, the food still tastes the same. Whichever is the case you should be vaguely familiar with your (wife’s) kitchen and recognize the layout of your cooker, pan and storage cupboard. If not, ask “management” before you attempt any of what follows: if you have to constantly enquire “where do you keep the diddlydum, dear?” the retort is likely to be an invitation to bugger off to the pub and “I’ll do it myself “, thus undoing all the promise of “would you like to visit Tangier tonight darling?” “Yes. Then I’ll just slip into my djellaba”.
I am also assuming that you have a bit of time on your hands after retirement, redundancy or illness and fancy a set of new challenges and the opportunity to acquire a new set of skills. However, the purpose of this tome is to allow you to have some fun cooking in your own (her) kitchen and be amazed at your ability to produce some edible ethnic food without having to get the car out of the garage and max out the Visa card.
Please note I am not promising that you will wake up one morning with a thick French accent and the ability to rustle up a five course Michelin starred meal for your beloved, nor will you be able to produce a galantine of sky larks tongues with oyster flavoured mash on a blackcurrant and passion fruit jus in twenty minutes. – If that’s what you want to achieve then tune into Master Chef from your sofa with your T.V. dinner nestling in your lap, or put this book on the fire and go out to the pub anyway.
I have selected recipes for you to cook for their simplicity and their ability to reflect the style and ambience of the country of origin, and preface them with a brief list of ingredients together with any particular bits of kit that you would find in the average kitchen of that country.
If you reduce cooking to its empirical formula, as Ikea has done with furniture building, then it’s just a question of what animal and vegetable basics are available in your part of the world, putting these together in an orderly manner, seasoning as appropriate and applying heat in some form, and voilà, a culinary masterpiece that reflects the staple diet enjoyed by many different communities, which explains why there are not many restaurants in New Delhi serving sea lion and not many Inuits eating curry in Avanasuaq. However nowadays with the big silver birds ferrying cargos of native produce and exotic spices each day to different countries to satisfy the taste-buds of expatriates everywhere, it is possible to acquire just about any ingredient for just about any recipe, from any country - the trick is how to combine them to achieve the authentic flavours!




His very first rule of cooking:

READ THE RECIPE TWICE AND COOK IT ONCE


The second rule is:

BEFORE you unleash your creative genius OBEY THE LIST of all the ingredients and hardware you need - this will ensure seamless progress from kitchen to table. PREPARE all the ingredients, weigh, measure, chop, slice or mash. Be sure to LOCATE ALL THE UTENSILS you’re going to need – there is nothing that is guaranteed to mess up your rhythm more than if you suddenly have to go searching for a bowl, or measure out an ingredient. Think like a concert conductor and conduct your culinary magnum opus like a symphony (after all the conductor would not start without a baton and the score!). If you are missing but ONE thing do not attempt to “busk it”, as it will end in tears and that feared plaintive wail “ I wish we’d gone out” from the other room.


The third rule is:

Whenever you have added a new ingredient to your pot, TASTE the result. Now is the time to adjust the flavours to YOUR taste. Remember that my recipes are a guide not the law, You are the one who has to be satisfied. Taste your creation on an ongoing basis; it will be too late if you find it is “not quite right” just before you set it on the table. A useful tip for tasting liquids is to take a small piece of plain white bread, dip it in and taste - you will be able to detect the flavours and seasoning immediately. When cooking do not forget that most sensitive of organs - your nose. It’s not a bad maxim to “follow your nose”. Smelling your food, as it bubbles away, will often give you a clue as to how it’s going to taste. Dining should be the complete sensuous experience, giving all five senses free rein - taste, texture and smell are an obvious by product, but do not neglect the sights and sounds from whence came your inspiration - for presentation and sound are as important as salt and pepper, which is why you rarely hear a French accordion played in a Chinese restaurant.


Last rule, but not the least:

If when you’ve cooked your dish and tasted it, if it falls short of your own self-imposed standards, give it to the dog and go out. It’s never worth trying to pretend bad food is good, it never ever is.



Now comes the fun part

You have followed all the recipe instructions and your masterpiece is ready to ‘plate up’, as we chefs say. Your next move is to turn whatever is in the pan into an art form comparable to a cross between Salvador Dali and Lawrence Lewllyn-Bowen. So take a warm plate, unleash the artist in you and get plating, but don’t take too long or the cooling culinary masterwork you have just created so lovingly will be as appetizing as cold Pedigree Chum. I find it helps to plan out your plate layout when you have finally decided on the accompaniments to your chosen main dish, then you will have some idea of the colours and textures that need to be ‘composed’. So map it all out on the back of an envelope and have a few of the standard garnishes to hand. Remember that you are not entering for the Turner Prize, but a well presented plate will stimulate the anticipation of your ‘audience’ and increase their eating enjoyment. I am aware that every cook book you have stacked in the cupboard under the stairs will be filled with lavishly staged photographs of the recipe described dish and I suspect that you may not be able to detect a Risotto from a Pilau just by looking at it, sure it has to look appetizing, but you must want to eat it not frame it.
No diner at any restaurant expects to be presented with a menu that has coloured photographs of the dishes to be served that night, but will rely on the staff’s ability to temptingly describe each dish to encourage your choice. Equally they will have made an effort to provoke an ambience and atmosphere that reflects their cuisine. It’s the same in Eating out - by staying in, for you are the maitre‘d and head chef ,so no aspirational, synthetically perfect photographs follow the recipes in this book, just the odd photograph to help you conjure up an atmosphere and maybe refresh some memories of the country whose cuisine you are imitating...



Booze to accompany

You may have noticed that I have