Cheese Sex Death , livre ebook

Editor: Laura Dozier Managing Editor: Glenn Ramirez Design Manager: Heesang Lee Production Manager: Larry Pekarek
Book design by Jen Quinn, Indelible Editions
Library of Congress Control Number: 2021932488
ISBN: 978-1-4197-5354-1 eISBN: 978-1-64700-467-5
Text and photographs 2021 Erika Kubick unless otherwise noted on this page
Cover 2021 Abrams
Cheese Sex Death is a registered trademark of Erika Kubick
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Published in 2021 by Abrams, an imprint of ABRAMS. All rights reserved.
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For all cheese sluts, everywhere.
Contents
INTRODUCTION
THE OLD TESTAMENT OF CHEESUS
THE BOOK OF CREATION
The Gospel of Cheesus
A Timeline of Cheesus
The Miracle of Cheesus
How the Body of Cheesus is Made
Anatomy of Cheesus
Farmer, Earth, and the Virgin Milk
The Virtues of Raw Milk Bodies of Cheesus
The Gospel Truth on Lactose, Dairy Allergies, and Dietary Restrictions
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF CHEESE CHURCH
THE BOOK OF CHEESE TYPES
Fresh Bodies
Bloomy Bodies
Washed Bodies
Firm Bodies
Blue Bodies
THE NEW TESTAMENT OF CHEESUS
THE BOOK OF BUYING
The Holy Sacraments of Buying
What to Look for in a Good Cheese Shop
What s a Cheesemonger?
How to Talk to a Cheesemonger
How to Spot a Good Cheese Gone Bad
The Price of Greatness: Why Cheese Is So Expensive
Cheesus for Cheap
How to Find Cheesus at the Supermarket
Anatomy of a Cheese Label
Cheese Pantry Essentials
THE BOOK OF STORING
The Holy Sacraments of Storing
Two Methods for Wrapping Cheesus in Paper
The Shelf Life of Cheesus
THE BOOK OF SERVING
The Holy Sacraments of Storing
Serving Size
Cutting the Cheese
A Guide to Cheese Knives and Other Toys
What to Serve Cheesus On
THE BOOK OF TASTING
The Holy Sacraments of Tasting
Curdy Talk
How Tasty Is Thy Rind?
Sensory Analysis
THE BOOK OF PAIRING
The Catechisms of Pairing Cheesus
The Holy Sacraments of Beverage Pairing
The Holy Sacraments of Playing with Accompaniments
Five Pairings That Will Never Fail You
THE BOOK OF PLATING
The Holy Sacraments of Plating
Types of Cheese Plates
What to Put on Your Cheese Plate
The Perfect Cheese Plate Formula
Essential Cheese Plate Equipment Checklist
How to Build a Cheese Plate
Eight Holy Cheese Plate Offerings
THE BOOK OF COOKING
The Holy Sacraments of Cooking with Cheesus
The Science of Melting Cheesus
Sacred Shredding
Tools for Cooking with Cheesus
Before You Begin . . .
Appetizers
Homemade Cheesus
Mains
Desserts
Condiments
EPILOGUE
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
RESOURCES
CREDITS
INDEX OF SEARCHABLE TERMS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Introduction
The number-one question people ask me is, Why cheese? Of all the possible passions one could pursue, why did I devote myself to evangelizing what is essentially solidified milk in a state of controlled decay? It s a valid question. Obviously, it s delicious, which was what seduced me in the first place. But this fermented dairy product is so much more than just food.
Cheese is no less than a miracle. It s the extraordinary meeting of two worlds: human and natural. It has the power to ground us in a connection to Mother Nature, the people who create blessings from Her gifts, and the history of civilization. There is something inextricably spiritual about cheese, and fermented foods in general.

A ripe wheel of Harbison from Jasper Hill Farm in Vermont
Fermentation itself is a mysterious phenomenon wherein microbes transform a food through decay. This metamorphosis not only preserves sustenance, it breathes new life into a decomposing product, creating a reservoir of nutrients and flavors. It s resurrection through delicious rot-an acquired taste that is specific to the individual cultures that have historically relied on these fermented foods.
The first coming of Cheesus occurred roughly eight thousand years ago, though scholars argue about the exact time and place. What we do know is that for this first generation of dairy disciples, fermentation was the messiah. The process of converting liquid milk into solid cheese solved two problems. First, it created a durable product out of perishable milk, saving precious nutrients for storage through winter and famine. Second, it did away with the troublesome effects of lactose on digestion by converting it into lactic acid. Thus, by way of Cheesus, the gift of fermentation resurrected the life-giving nutrition within milk.
Cheese is the product of faith, nature, and nurture. In its raw state, milk is blessed with colonies of living microbes from the land, animals, and humans that it encounters along its journey. These microbes begin the act of fermentation, and the milk miraculously shape-shifts from liquid to solid. The young cheese is then entombed in a cool, humid cave, where it matures and transforms again as the microbes break down fats and proteins to unlock flavors and create tantalizing textures like gooey creamlines and crunchy crystals. This metamorphosis results not only from the guidance of the human hand, but also from other more mysterious forces that scientists today still don t fully understand.
Before we knew some of the scientific explanations, people resorted to folklore to explain this transformation. Throughout history, the divine qualities of cheese did not go unnoticed by the people who made it. Starting as far back as ancient Sumer, cheese has frequently been used in religious ceremonies as a bloodless sacrifice to the gods. Early cults of Christianity replaced bread with cheese for the Eucharist. Shepherds in the Basque Country treated young wheels of cheese with nurturing rituals similar to those bestowed upon their infant children. The miracle of cheese-making has been attributed to the gods, and even witchcraft. In the Middle Ages, women engaged in tyromancy, using cheese as a divination tool by reading the patterns on the inner pastes and outer rinds like a deck of tarot cards. In Victorian England, dairy-maids were accused of witchcraft when their cows were particularly prolific or when their neighbors cheeses didn t take. Before we understood the basic science behind microbial activity, all fermented products seemed like a result of divine intervention.
Cheese has an intimate connection to the mysteries of nature, but there s also a bodily quality that s almost unsettling. It s a sexy food, with all those oozing cream-lines and that mouth-filling richness. It s also a product of reproduction-lactation that results from insemination. The mystical female body creates food from Her own nutrient sources, and what Mother Earth has given Her. Philosophers Aristotle and Hildegard of Bingen both preached an analogy between cheesemaking and human conception, asserting that a fetus resulted from semen curdling menstrual blood as rennet acts upon milk. Then, there are the microbes that live on both washed rinds and human skin, which is why cheeses like Taleggio have that uncanny foot stank.
The miracle of cheesemaking has been attributed to the gods, and even witchcraft.
That bodily odor, and the accompanying aroma of rot, is reminiscent of our own mortality. In Michael Pollan s book Cooked , cheesemaker and microbiologist Mother Noella states, Everything about cheese reminds us of death. . . . The caves in which they age are like crypts; then there are the smells of decomposition. At the same time, cheese also serves as a reminder of resurrection. As it matures, colonies of microbes die off, allowing their successors to consume what s left of the previous generation. This cycle of rot and rebirth thins the veil between the repulsive and the irresistible, resulting in a pleasure of transcendent complexity.
At its core, cheese is a kinky product of sex that rots like a dead body. This explains why I started a cheese advocacy brand called Cheese Sex Death, but not why I chose to write A Bible for the Cheese Obsessed . Though cheese has historically appeared in religious ceremonies, there is no religious text that centers around it. Perhaps it s time. After all, many ancient pagan religions centered around the divine rhythms of nature, and this cycle determines the cheesemaking seasons. As such, cheese, or Cheesus as I like to refer to Her, is as much the offspring of the divine as of the people who have consummated Her creation.
Paganism set the groundwork for Christianity, which borrows many of the same holidays celebrating the cycle of year, such as Ostra or Easter in spring and Yule or Christmas in winter-festivals I honor with the Eight Holy Cheese Plate Offerings in the Book of Plating. I grew up in the Lutheran faith, and while I ve since cultivated a different spirituality, I find that the story of Christianity sets an appropriate framework that can help us understand Cheesus, a sacred blessing that straddles the line between food and holy sacrament.
Honoring Mother Earth through cheese doesn t need to conflict with any other religious beliefs. Worshipping Cheesus is a way of celebrating the bounty of blessings that have been bestowed upon us. Whether or not you believe these gifts come from a divine creator, and how you envision that almighty spirit, is up to you. Cheesus has no preference of Her own and can fit within almost any preexisting spiritual framework.
A Bible for the Cheese Obsessed is a collection of script