Women with Controlling Partners , livre ebook

“Women with controlling partners don’t merely suffer blows to their self-esteem and confidence; they also gradually and insidiously lose their sense of who they are. Deeply validating and brimming with practical advice and wisdom, Women with Controlling Partners guides readers through the often subtle process of psychological abuse, helping them escape the confusion and shame that enshroud their experience by offering a detailed road map back to themselves—and their lives. Their journey is made all the more reassuring by the rich voices of women who’ve traveled the exact same path in Lambert’s recovery groups and arrived at their final destination—freedom—feeling deeply empowered.”
— Craig Malkin, PhD , Harvard Medical School lecturer and author of the internationally acclaimed Rethinking Narcissism
“This book offers an important opportunity for the multitude of women who are in relationships that are controlling, but who do not resonate with the term ‘intimate partner violence.’ It presents straightforward information about the insidious consequences that can occur from being in a relationship with someone who is controlling, and the levels of harm that can occur over time that may not be obvious to the person herself. Through this book, the reader can receive support, clarity, and guidance from the thousands of women who Carol Lambert has listened to and has combined their collective wisdom and courage. Mental health clinicians can also benefit from this book in deepening their understanding of the complexities of these types of relationships and the importance of patience, collaboration with community resources, and the power of peer voices and support.”
— Janet Yassen, LICSW , Acute Crime Crisis Services Coordinator of the Victims of Violence Program at the Cambridge Health Alliance, Harvard Medical School faculty, and cofounder of the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center
“An eye-opening exploration of how women become trapped in dysfunctional relationships with their angry and controlling partners. This is a gripping narrative that can lead women on a life-changing journey from denial to knowledge, from understanding to recovery. As a survivor of domestic abuse, I found this book true to my experience. It validated my pain, exposed the tactics of my controlling partner, and showed the way toward reclaiming my self-respect and autonomy. I recommend this book to anyone who has experienced domestic abuse, and to all those who care for them.”
— Pamela , survivor of domestic abuse


Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2016 by Carol A. Lambert
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Amy Shoup
Acquired by Catharine Meyers
Edited by Jennifer Holder
All Rights Reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file

Instead of abandoning ourselves, we can learn to inhabit ourselves. The body is tremendously homesick for us, and it waits patiently for our return.
—Denise Taylor
For my son and daughter.
Contents
Introduction
The Story of My Work
Recovery Is Your Best Option for Feeling Better
Let Your Commitment Grow
About This Book
Chapter 1: Control in Relationships Causes Hidden Injuries
Abuse Is About Power and Control
Psychological Abuse Harms with Hidden Injuries
Psychological Abuse Hurts—Deeply
Your Low Self-Esteem is a Controlling Partner’s Best Protection
How Psychological Abuse Works
Psychological Abuse and Western Culture
Traits of a Controlling Partner
How You Become Trapped
Minimizing and Denying Can Be Obstacles
You’ve Got This!
Stage One: Become Aware—Recognize the Problem
Chapter 2: Realize You Need Help
Recognize Control
The Turning Point
Lila
Julie
Lucille
Selma
Nicole
Peggy
Starting with Caution
The Importance of Secrecy
What It Takes to Succeed
Challenges
Successful Strategies
Create Your Own Plan for Success
Look at Your Relationship Through Journaling
You’ve Got This!
Chapter 3: Take a Close Look at Your Partner
Getting Clear About Your Partner’s Controlling Behaviors
Absorb the Truth at a Pace That Works Best for You
Begin with What You Already Know
Common Reactions of Women in Recovery
Feeling More Confused
Feeling Scared and Anxious
Feeling Overwhelmed About What to Do
Feeling Shocked
Feeling Responsible
Blaming Yourself
Feeling Embarrassed or Ashamed
Feeling Numb or Detached
Feeling Irritated or Angry
Feeling Upset and Sad
Feeling Less “Crazy”
Feeling Less Alone
Feeling Relieved Because Your Experience Has Been Identified
Six Reasons Women Seek Help
To Fix Their Relationship
To Get Stronger
To Get Help to Leave
To Deal with the Pressure to Go Back After a Separation
To Communicate for Co-parenting While Separated or Divorced
To Recover After the Relationship Ended
Make the Commitment to Recovery by Setting Goals
Get Clear About What Is Happening
Become Emotionally Stronger
Feel Like Themselves Again
You’ve Got This!
Chapter 4: Overcoming Powerful External Influences
Why Me?
Culture Impacts Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Family and Friends
Community
Religious Practice
Medical Professionals
Legal System
Mental Health Professionals
Your Anger Tells You What You Don’t Like
Being Assertive by Speaking Up for Yourself
Taking Care of Yourself
Marriage Is Not a Vow to Endure Abuse
You’ve Got This!
Stage Two: Deconstruct What Holds You Captive—Breaking Free
Chapter 5: Dating: What You Didn’t Know About His Behavior
Courtship and Coercive Persuasion
When Signs Are There, But You Can’t See Them
Seeing All the Signs
What You See May Not Be What You Ultimately Get
Elaborate Gifts
Isolation
Few or No Friends
Frequent Calls and Visits
Looking at Your Own Dating Experience
Time for a Check-In
You’ve Got This!
Chapter 6: From Dating to Commitment to Confinement
After Commitment, a Controlling Partner Takes More Control
Moments of Understanding
He Isolates You
He Devalues You
He Intimidates You
He Financially Coerces You
His Control Started with Small Exploits
Upping the Intensity
As Your Partner Confines You, You Change
Your Changes Are Losses
Building Internal Resistance
Check-In
You’ve Got This!
Chapter 7: Resist Falling into the Cycle of Abuse
The Cycle of Abuse
How You React to Your Partner’s Abusive Behavior
Phase 1: Staying Vigilant (in the Midst of Tension-Building)
What You Don’t See
Phase 2: Feeling Trapped and Terrified (in Response to Acute Abuse)
What You Don’t See
Phase 3: Feeling Hopeful About Change (in Response to Reconciliation/Honeymoon and Calm)
What You Don’t See
Resisting Reconciliation
Looking at Your Own Relationship
Managing Your Response to Phase 2 Abuse
You’ve Got This!
Chapter 8: See How Life Becomes “All About Him”
Controlling Tactics and Hidden Injuries
Psychological Abuse Embedded in Your Partner’s Behavior
Controlling Tactic: Isolation
Looking at Your Own Relationship
Controlling Tactic: Monopolization of Perception
Monopolization of Perception Creates Self-Doubt
Looking at Your Own Relationship
Your Recovery: Building Resistance
Check-In
You’ve Got This!
Chapter 9: Take Back Your Strengths
Controlling Tactic: Devaluation and Humiliation
Devaluing Your Strengths
How He Does It
Decreased Self-Esteem
Looking at Your Own Relationship
Controlling Tactic: Demonstrating Omnipotence or Superiority
The Superiority in Economic Coercion
Controlling Tactic: Enforcing Trivial Demands
Looking at Your Own Relationship
Your Recovery: Build Resistance Within Yourself
You’ve Got This!
Chapter 10: Threats and Physical and Sexual Violence
Controlling Tactic: Threats to Intimidate and Harm
Impact of Threats
Looking at Your Own Relationship
Physical Violence Takes Many Forms
Escalating Attacks
Impact of Physical Violence
Looking at Your Own Relationship
Sexual Violence
Acts That Constitute Sexual Abuse
Impact of Sexual Violence
Looking at Your Own Relationship
Building Internal Resistance: Planning for Safety
Check-In
You’ve Got This!
Chapter 11: Recognize Your Injuries from Abuse
Controlling Tactic: Occasional Indulgences
Looking at Your Own Relationship
Building Resistance to Occasional Indulgences
Controlling Tactic: Induced Debility and Trauma
Looking at Your Own Relationship
Understand Your Symptoms
Understand Your Trauma Response
Check-In
You’ve Got This!
Stage Three: Reclaim Yourself—Only You Know What’s Best for You
Chapter 12: Change Beliefs to Feel Stronger
Take Stock of Your Present Self
Turning the Corner: Hold Your Partner Responsible for His Coercion
Coercive Tactics Create Negative Beliefs
You’ve Got This!
Chapter 13: Empower Yourself—Take Back Your Life
Successful Relationships
Your Growth So Far
Decide What to Do About Your Relationship
You’ve Got This!
Chapter 14: Moving Forward—What Do You Want?
First Know Your Legal Rights
Building a Life Without Coercion
Isolation
Monopolization of Perception
Devaluation and Humiliation
Demonstrating Omnipotence or Superiority
Occasional Indulgences
Threats
Induced Debility and Exhaustion
Approaching Your Partner About His Control
Navigating Treatment
Leaving Your Controlling Partner
Challenges of Co-Parenting After the Relationship Ends
When Does Recovery End?
Your Life Going Forward
You’ve Got This!
Acknowledgments
Resources
Timelines for the Battere