Wired for Dating , livre ebook

“Bravo, Stan Tatkin, for writing a truly useful book about dating: what to look for; how to handle Internet dating sites; what to know about yourself; how to vet potential partners; and how to proceed in a level-headed fashion toward finding life’s greatest prize—a long-term successful partnership. Moreover, it’s got poetry, a grounded understanding of neuroscience and attachment theory, excellent questions and exercises, and really smart advice. I learned a lot. It’s a special book.”
—Helen Fisher, PhD , biological anthropologist at Rutgers University, chief scientific advisor to the Internet dating site www.match.com , and author of Why Him? Why Her? , Why We Love , Anatomy of Love , The First Sex , and The Sex Contract
“People entering into relationships today need this book more than ever. Wired for Dating goes beyond simply being a guide on increasing your chances of successful dating; Stan Tatkin, PsyD, provides a science-based approach filled with valuable insights and techniques that can give us the ability to create more enduring and richer relationships. This book can transform the culture we live in today!”
—Elisha Goldstein, PhD , cofounder of The Center for Mindful Living in Los Angeles, CA, and author of Uncovering Happiness
“Perhaps nothing is as pivotal in creating enduring and satisfying relationships as the intricate dance of dating. Stan Tatkin has found a way to make the complexities of this elusive process clear, without diluting the science and clinical practice that inform this central life issue. Wired for Dating is a flexible and supportive guide for those running the relationship gauntlet, as well as a significant contribution to emotionally based therapies.”
—Peter A. Levine, PhD , author of Waking the Tiger , Healing Trauma , and In an Unspoken Voice
“The best step-by-step manual for how to conduct yourself on a first date, vet a prospective partner, and keep yourself from inadvertently destroying the relationship.”
—Dan Wile, PhD , author of After the Honeymoon
“If you are thinking about starting to date, are excited about a person you recently met, or have met the love of your life, you will find reading this book an eye-opening experience. Stan Tatkin has succeeded in integrating attachment and neuroscience research as he takes us on a wonderful journey through the worlds of dating, mating, and love.”
—Marion F. Solomon, PhD , author of Narcissism and Intimacy and Lean on Me
“Meeting and coming together with a mate doesn’t have to be a happenstance affair. In Wired for Dating , Stan Tatkin lays out what you need to know and specifically what you can do to have the best chances of success in a relationship. Expert advice for people of all ages and all shades of prior experience who are serious about finding happiness in a lasting long-term relationship.”
—Bill O’Hanlon , coauthor of Love is a Verb and Rewriting Love Stories
“Stan Tatkin’s Wired for Dating is a wonderful, supportive guide to self- and relationship discovery. It is filled with nuggets of wisdom that make it easy to answer some of the toughest dating questions. Using Tatkin’s psychobiological approach, you can navigate dating with much more grace. You have a way to identify serious red flags, as well as the exercises and skills to build a long-term successful partnership. Now you can choose a life partner with confidence and the clarity that you are right for each other. Reading Wired for Dating is one of the most important decisions you will make in your mating life.”
—Ellyn Bader, PhD , cofounder of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA
“Stan Tatkin’s marvelous and intelligent guide gives you the total map when you seek a partner worthy of your efforts and ask the important question, ‘Is this the right one for me?’ Tatkin shows you how to use both sides of your powerful brain and finally make the right decision. The heart meets science, and you’re the winner. He takes the mystery out of dating so you can enjoy the mystery of being with the person you really love. Now you can date with a safety net, and enjoy the journey as the genuine magic happens.”
—Peter Pearson, PhD , cofounder of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA
“Stan Tatkin is one of the most important voices in couple relationships today. His knowledge is grounded in research, packed with practicality, and sprinkled with a unique blend of wisdom and wit. Take the time to read Wired for Dating ; you will be rewarded with inspiration and insight.”
—Pat Love, EdD, LMFT , coauthor of How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It
“Stan Takin is one of the leading figures in relationship counseling. In Wired for Dating , he explains partnership science so that readers can create a secure, meaningful relationship. Study this book before commencing your relationship journey so you have a map for success. Learn these methods when you are partnered to chart its continuation. Easy to read, eminently practical.”
—Jeffrey K. Zeig, PhD , founder and CEO of The Milton H. Erickson Foundation
“Where was Stan Tatkin when I was dating? I highly recommend Wired for Dating to anyone who is ready for a secure-functioning relationship. Tatkin addresses the scientific, psychobiological, neurobiological, and intricate ways of the nervous system within the realm of dating, and does so in an utterly readable, practically applicable, wise, and entertaining way.”
—Alanis Morissette , artist and activist


Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.
Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books
Copyright © 2016 by Stan Tatkin
New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
5674 Shattuck Avenue
Oakland, CA 94609
www.newharbinger.com
Cover design by Sara Christian
Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer
Edited by Clancy Drake
All Rights Reserved
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Tatkin, Stan, author.
Wired for dating : how understanding neurobiology and attachment style can help you find your ideal mate / Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT ; foreword by Harville Hendrix, PhD, and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD.
pages cm
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-1-62625-303-2 (pbk. : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-1-62625-304-9 (pdf e-book) SBN 978-1-62625-305-6 (epub) 1. Mate selection. 2. Dating (Social customs) 3. Sexual attraction. 4. Interpersonal relations. 5. Neurobiology. 6. Attachment behavior. I. Title.
HQ801.T277 2016
306.73--dc23
2015032698
Contents

Foreword: Harville Hendrix, PhD and Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD
Introduction
Chapter 1: Before You Date
Your Starting Point
Pair Bonding
Biological and Cultural Imperatives
The Psychobiological Bottom Line
The Lures and Perils of Online Dating
Dispelling Some Love Relationship Myths
Myth 1: Love Is All You Need to Make a Relationship Succeed
Myth 2: You Have to Love Yourself Before You Can Love Someone Else
Myth 3: You Have to Learn to Take Care of Yourself Before You Can Start Dating
Myth 4: You Shouldn’t Rely on Only One Person for Your Well-being
Myth 5: I Need to Find My Soul Mate
Myth 6: Dating Is for the Young—I’m Too Old
Final Thoughts
Chapter 2: Seeing Clearly Through the Fog of Infatuation
A Walk in the Park
Love’s Neurochemical Cocktail
Vision Matters
Familiarity Matters
Vetting Your Partner
Your Social Network
Final Thoughts
Chapter 3: Dealing with the Dating Jitters
Performance Anxiety on a Date
Staying in the Safety Zone
Calming Your Own Nerves
Preparing for a Date
A Mindful Dinner
Final Thoughts
Chapter 4: Uncovering the Clues to a Good Match
Become a Sherlock
Observing the Nonverbal Clues
Interviewing a Potential Partner
Gleaning from the Clues
Final Thoughts
Chapter 5: Know Yourself, Know Your Partner
Things to Know Before You Buy
The Three Attachment Types
Anchor, Island, and Wave
The Styles of Relating in Action
What You Are Selling
What You Are Buying
The Couple Bubble
Dispelling More Myths
Myth 7: The Best Partner Is Low Maintenance
Myth 8: Our Love Is the Real Deal, So It Won’t Fade
Myth 9: If My Potential Partner Has Flaws, We Can Fix That
Final Thoughts
Chapter 6: Anchors: Two Are Better than One
Are You an Anchor?
Anchors as Children
Anchors as Adults
Dating an Anchor
If You Are an Anchor Dating an Anchor
If You Are an Anchor Dating an Island
If You Are an Anchor Dating a Wave
Final Thoughts
Chapter 7: Islands: I Can Do It Myself
Are You an Island?
Islands as Children
Islands as Adults
Dating an Island
What Went Wrong
A Do-over Date: The Island’s Options
A Do-over Date: The Partner’s Options
If You Are an Island Dating an Island
If You Are an Island Dating an Anchor
If You Are an Island Dating a Wave
Final Thoughts
Chapter 8: Waves: I Can’t Do It Without You
Are You a Wave?
Waves as Children
Waves as Adults
Dating a Wave
What Went Wrong
A Do-over Date: The Wave’s Options
A Do-over Date: The Partner’s Options
If You Are a Wave Dating a Wave
If You Are a Wave Dating an Anchor
If You Are a Wave Dating an Island
Final Thoughts
Chapter 9: Do Your Nervous Systems Play Well?
Your Primitives and Ambassadors at Work
Soothing Each Other
Understand the Cues
Quick Repair
Quiet Love
Taking Responsibility for Each Other
Exciting Each Other
The Art of Fighting with Each Other
Lead with Relief
Co-regulate Conflict Playfully
Final Thoughts
Chapter 10: Breaking Up
Why Some Relationships Don’t Last
Should You Say Good-Bye?
How to Say Good-Bye
How to Take a Good-Bye
Final Thoughts
Chapter 11: Making It Last
Why Commit
Making the Agreement
Your Mutual C