In Good Times and Bad , livre ebook

Table of Contents
 
Other Books by M. Gary Neuman
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Acknowledgements
 
PART ONE - Discover a New Perspective
 
Chapter 1 - Our Personal Story
Chapter 2 - The Decision to Fight for Your Relationship
 
What the Fighting Spirit Can Do for You
Make the Choice to Be Lucky
Alfred Nobel: Finding a Constructive Side in the Destructive
 
Chapter 3 - The Moment to Save (or Lose) Your Relationship
 
Now Is the Time to Start Anew
Things Can Change in an Instant
 
PART TWO - Transform Your Relationship
Chapter 4 - What Money Really Means to You and Your Partner
 
Fear of Money
 
Chapter 5 - What You Learned about Money
 
The Many Voices You Have Within
Roberta and Tom’s Story: What the Jewelry Really Meant
Julie and Andrew’s Story: The Cost of Procrastination
Choosing Your Voices
 
Chapter 6 - Attack the Problem, Not Each Other
 
Teamwork Is at the Root of Successful Couples
Finding Creativity: Going Outside Yourself
Why Can’t He at Least Help More with the Kids?
 
Chapter 7 - How to Discuss Money in Relationships
 
Why We Avoid Financial Discussions
Systematic Desensitization: Changing Your Reactions to Finances
Setting Up Your Financial Meeting
Creating a Budget
Two Mutually Exclusive Desires: The Ultimate Recipe for Unhappiness
 
Chapter 8 - The One-Week Relationship Program That Will Change Your Life
 
Sunday: The Conversation
Monday: Date Night
Tuesday: The Financial Discussion and a Family Dinner
Wednesday: A Mini-Date and a Family Dinner
Thursday: A Talk with Your Kids, a Mini-Money Discussion, and Another Family Dinner
Friday: A Family Night Followed by Couple Time
Saturday: Date Night
 
PART THREE - Bring It Home
Chapter 9 - What You Can Do for Your Children
 
Lack of Information Fuels Overactive Imaginations
Take Care of Yourself
The Number One Mistake Parents Make: Not Talking to Your Children
The Financial Conversation with Your Kids
The Most Important Listening Technique to Help Children
Put Yourself in Their Shoes
Children Talk the Most When You Least Expect It
Safety in Numbers
Initiate the Conversation Rather Than Waiting for Them to Come to You
Can You Spare a Down Payment? When Adult Children or Parents Need Help
 
Chapter 10 - Family Fun That Won’t Bust the Bank
 
Fun and Easy Recipes
 
Chapter 11 - Making Holidays Better in Good Times and Bad
 
Reexamine How You Spend Your Holidays
 
Chapter 12 - Advice for the Worst of Times
 
Emily and Neil’s Story: The Need to Find Meaning in Loss
Andrea’s Story: Everyone Grieves Differently
Donna’s Story: The Glass Is Always Half Full
Alan’s Story: Look for People Who Think You’re Special and Are Happy to Say It
Notes from the Field: What Gets You Through
 
Epilogue
Index
Other Books by M. Gary Neuman
Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way
Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship
How to Make a Miracle: Finding Incredible Spirituality in Times of Struggle and Happiness
The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It

Copyright © 2010 by M. Gary Neuman and Melisa Neuman. All rights reserved
Published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc., Hoboken, New Jersey
Published simultaneously in Canada
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 United States Copyright Act, without either the prior written permission of the Publisher, or authorization through payment of the appropriate per-copy fee to the Copyright Clearance Center, 222 Rosewood Drive, Danvers, MA 01923, (978) 750-8400, fax (978) 646-8600, or on the web at www.copyright.com . Requests to the Publisher for permission should be addressed to the Permissions Department, John Wiley & Sons, Inc., 111 River Street, Hoboken, NJ 07030, (201) 748-6011, fax (201) 748-6008, or online at http://www.wiley.com/go/permissions .
Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and the author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional where appropriate. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data:
Neuman, M. Gary.
In good times and bad : strengthening your relationship when the going gets tough and the money gets tight / M. Gary Neuman and Melisa Neuman.
p. cm.
Includes index.
eISBN : 978-0-470-57325-9
1. Marriage—Psychological aspects. 2. Stress (Psychology) 3. Communication. 4. Families.
I. Neuman, Melisa, 1966- II. Title.
HQ734.N484 2010
646.7’8—dc22
2009031433
For Bonnie (She knows why)
The stories and situations that appear in this book are real. Many of the names and identifying features of those who appear in this book have been changed in order to protect the privacy of those who shared their personal stories. To honor the confidentiality agreement Gary has with his clients, no one who sought private practice counseling with Gary is in any way represented in this book.
Acknowledgments
 
 
 
 
 
 
Gary: To Oprah Winfrey. Few people truly get the importance of childhood and act on it. I am grateful for your generosity in giving me a platform to help others, especially the children whose lives may have changed as a result of our energy. You improve the quality of life for everyone you touch and inspire others to do their best. It’s an honor to work with you to help others. You are an inspiring force of change in our world.
To everyone at Harpo Productions, who put endless effort into the shows I’ve done. Nobody could imagine all of the work you do to make these programs so wonderful and helpful to others. Thank you, Harriet, Sheri, Lisa. To the go-to person, Katy, I am grateful for your creativity and deep insights into the work that we do. Thanks for your genuine concern for the people we help.
To Dean for always making me so comfortable. Andrea, thanks for commenting, “You know, you could write a whole book on this.” Layla, it’s a true privilege to work with you. Thanks for being so nice. Gina, your first was the best. Thanks for your graciousness. It’s always so great working with you. Rachel, thanks for always listening and for your wonderful energy. Eric, you were great even in freezing temperatures. Thanks, Brad, Gwen, and Kirsten, for your constant help. Joan, thanks so much for the Web site help and for supporting my study. Going back to old times, thanks to Candi, Jim, and Cindy. Thank you all for helping me help others.
 
Melisa and Gary: To Carol Mann, still doing business on a handshake, thank you for your enthusiasm. We are grateful for the dedication and intelligence you bring to each project. Thank you.
To Tom Miller, thanks for your editorial magic and for taking care of our work, again and again. You are truly dedicated and talented.
To production editor Rachel Meyers, thanks for keeping us all on time. To copy editor Judith Antonelli, thanks for making our work proper.
Our friends and our family gave greatly of their time and insights.
To our parents, thank you for your love, your kindness, your time, and your support.
To Jill, thank you for reading the manuscript, providing excellent suggestions, and always being willing to help.
To Sherri and Jeff, Barbara and Craig, thank you for being there at all times.
To Robin Landers, thank you for your tireless consultations and support throughout this project.
To Dr. Hindie Klein, Reva Kirchblum, Heather and Stephen Kravitz, Malka and Saul Meyerfeld, Lynn Hanau, and Nancy and Marty Engels, thank you for all of your insights, your ideas, and your time.
Thanks to Dr. Donald Hanft, who brings life into the world.
Thanks to Dr. Alfred Jonas, the best of the best.
Many thanks to our children—Yehuda, Esther, Michael, Pacey, and Danny—for being so sweet and interested in the myriad discussions involved in the writing of this book. We love you and are proud of each of you. We are so blessed to have you for our children.
Thanks to the One above Who makes all things possible.
PART ONE

Discover a New Perspective
1
Our Personal Story
 
 
 
 
 
 
N one of us wants a difficult struggle in life. We do just about everything we can to avoid it. We want to protect ourselves, our spouses or partners, and our children from any harm. Yet somewhere deep down, we know that our lives bring struggle and that we might develop some character from it. When we review the portions of our lives that have been complicated, we may even come to believe that we’ve grown through those times and that they have been crucial to our self-growth. Still, we don’t want to invite struggle into our lives. We wish away hardship for ourselves and our kids.
There are painful moments in