Impossible to Please , livre ebook

193

pages

English

Ebooks

2012

Écrit par
Neil Lavender , A. Cavaiola Alan

Publié par
New Harbinger Publications

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193

pages

English

Ebooks

2012

Lire un extrait

Obtenez un accès à la bibliothèque pour le consulter en ligne En savoir plus

Publié par

New Harbinger Publications

Date de parution

01 octobre 2012

EAN13

9781608823499

Langue

English

Poids de l'ouvrage

1 Mo

Everyone knows someone who is impossible to please, critical, judgmental, picky, and stubbornly closed-minded. These are symptoms of a disorder called obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD), but it’s common for people to have subclinical levels of some or all of these qualities. Most of the time, it’s best to avoid the difficult to please person, but what happens when he or she is a close family member, coworker, or even a spouse? It’s still possible to maintain a positive relationship with the right tools. Impossible to Please, written by the authors of Toxic Coworkers, is a manual for dealing with these difficult people without sitting through stressful arguments, vicious insults and attacks, and passive-aggressive behavior. It empowers readers to take charge of the relationship and regain their dignity and confidence in interactions with these individuals.

This book features specific strategies that are immediately effective when conversing with critical people and explains how readers can respond to unfair blame without becoming angry or overly defensive. By setting boundaries, improving communication, and asserting themselves, readers learn to deal with the impossible to please in romantic relationships, friendships, family, and work relationships.

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Publié par

New Harbinger Publications

Date de parution

01 octobre 2012

EAN13

9781608823499

Langue

English

Poids de l'ouvrage

1 Mo

“Cavaiola and Lavender have done it again! They have given us another perfect combination of psychological science and real-life applications to provide a highly readable guide to living and working with people who drive us crazy. Alive with examples and sugges-tions, this book is not only perfect for counselors and therapists, but also for anyone who deals with controlling perfectionists at home or on the job.” —Richard Ponton, PhD, associate professor at Georgian Court University in Lakewood, New Jersey

“Impossible to Pleaseis a candid, informative, and thought-provok-ing study of the controlling perfectionist. Lavender and Cavaiola illuminate our understanding of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder while providing suggested actions for dealing effectively with these individuals at home, at work, and in the community.”

—Suzanne D. Mudge, PhD, associate professor and program coordinator of counseling and guidance at Texas A&M University

“After being in managerial and leadership positions for over 40 years, I wish I could say that I never had to deal with a perfectionist personality. Unfortunately, that is not the case. I have had experi-ences with toxic coworkers and, to say the least, they were indeed troublesome. Drs. Lavender and Cavaiola’s first book,Toxic Coworkers, was of great help during these trying times. Like their other books,Impossible to Pleaseis filled with wisdom and insights into this challenging area. I strongly recommend this most practi-cal and applicable book.” —Louis A. Scheidt, PE, PP, president and CEO of Innovative Engineering, Inc.

ïmpossîble toPlease ow to DealwîthPerectîonîst Coworkers,Controllîng Spouses, andOter ïncredîbly Crîtîcal People

NEïL J. LAVENDER, PHD ALAN A. CAVAïOLA, PHD

New arbînger Publîcatîons, ïnc.

Publisher’s Note

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the pub-lisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Acquired by Jess O’Brien; Cover design by Amy Shoup; Edited by Will DeRooy; Text design by Michele Kermes

PDF ISBN: 9781608823499

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Lavender, Neil J. Impossible to please : how to deal with perfectionist coworkers, controlling spouses, and other incredibly critical people / Neil J. Lavender and Alan Cavaiola. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 978-1-60882-348-2 (pbk. : alk. paper) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-349-9 (pdf e-book) -- ISBN 978-1-60882-350-5 (epub) 1. Criticism, Personal. 2. Perfectionism (Personality trait) 3. Interpersonal conflict. 4. Interpersonal relations. I. Cavaiola, Alan A. II. Title. BF637.C74L38 2012 158.2--dc23 2012021943

Contents

Acknowledgments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . v

ïntroductîon . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

PART ïUnderstandîng Controllîng Perectîonîsts

Controllîng Perectîonîsm Explaîned . . . . . . . . . 9

Te Controllîng Perectîonîst as Romantîc Partner, as Parent, and în te Workplace . . . . . 25

ow te Controllîng Perectîonîst as Aected You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41

PART ïïPractîcal Strategîes

Recognîzîng Wat You Can and Can’t Do. . . . . 55

ïmpossîbletoPlease

. . . . . . . . . . . . . Settîng Lîmîts and Boundarîes 69

Establîsîng Better Communîcatîon 85. . . . . . . . .

andlîng Controllîng Perectîonîsts în Romantîc Relatîonsîps, Famîly Lîe, and Frîendsîps . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .111

andlîng Controllîng Perectîonîsts în te Workplace. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 143

165Seekîng Qualîîed Proessîonal elp. . . . . . . .

Reerences . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .181

Acknowledgments

irst, we acknowledge and give thanks to our families for sucFh tasks as research and writing. putting up with us while we wrote this book. You’ve always given us the space and encouragement we need to take on We also thank our patients and our students. You’re by far some of the finest people we’ve ever met. We applaud your courage and motivation and your hunger for the truth and personal growth. You’ve achieved so much while overcoming so many obstacles. We’re so fortunate to be working in the field that we love, and you’re such a big part of this. You challenge us every day to know and do more. Hopefully, in our teaching and therapy, we’ve been able to challenge you to overcome difficult hurdles in your lives, thereby enriching your lives in some way. Our thanks wouldn’t be complete without acknowledging the plentiful support we received from all the staff at New Harbinger. This is our third book with you, and you’ve never failed in your professionalism and guidance. Special thanks to acquisitions editor Jess O’Brien. Thanks also to editorial manager Jess Beebe and asso-ciate editor Nicola Skidmore for taking us through this process step by step. Dr. Matt McKay and Angela Autry Gorden, whose recom-mendations helped shape the direction of this book: we couldn’t have done this without your wisdom and expertise. To Will DeRooy of Intelligent Editing, a special shout out for the final edits—your suggestions were right on the mark.

ïntroductîon

ou picked up this book most likely because you’re struggling spoYuse, or perhaps it’s your parent, a coworker, or your boss. In any in a relationship in which you feel the other person per-ceives you as not good enough. Perhaps this person is your event, this person seems to habitually criticize you. What you do never seems good enough for this person—in everything you undertake, you constantly fall short of some perfect standard. If you’re like most of the people with this problem we’ve encountered over the years, you experience numerous and often conflicting emotions in this relationship. You might feel sad or angry or even inadequate. Most likely you feel confused. You may have tried all you can to make this person happy, only to fail again and again.

Marîanne was a grade school teacher who for eleven years receîved excellent evaluatîons from all of her supervîsors. She got along well wîth her fellow teachers and staff and was twîce voted teacher of the year. Parents often approached Marîanne after the school year was over, thankîng her personally for theîr students’ progress. But when Marîanne’s prîncîpal was replaced by a woman who promîsed “a more hands-on approach,” ît seemed that Marîanne could do nothîng rîght. Although she followed the new prîncîpal’s every recommendatîon, she receîved a poor performance evaluatîon, and when she trîed to defend herself and provîde explanatîons în response, the prîncîpal only dug her heels în deeper and accused her of însubordînatîon. Letters and e-maîls flew back and forth untîl one day the prîncîpal presented Marîanne wîth a

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