Coping With Your Partner's Jealousy , livre ebook

164

pages

English

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Écrit par
W Brown Nina

Publié par
New Harbinger Publications

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164

pages

English

Ebooks

0001

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Obtenez un accès à la bibliothèque pour le consulter en ligne En savoir plus

Publié par

New Harbinger Publications

Date de parution

01 janvier 0001

EAN13

9781626254404

Langue

English

Poids de l'ouvrage

1 Mo

Statisticians report that as many as two of every three married couples have at least one incident of spousal battery in their history; the number one motivation for these attacks is the jealousy of one partner. Whether motivated by a desire for power, attention, control, or affection, feelings of jealousy often lead to moments of emotional or physical violence that can cripple and destroy a relationship.

In this, the first book ever written specifically to partners of jealous people, a professional counselor offers a series of assessments designed to help you reflect on personality traits that contribute to jealousy, both in yourself and in your partner. The book contains exercises and strategies that will help those involved in repairable relationships identify the triggers that provoke jealous reactions in their partners. Techniques for effective boundary-setting, enhanced communication, and deepened intimacy give you the tools you need to work through periods of jealous reaction.

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Publié par

New Harbinger Publications

Date de parution

01 janvier 0001

EAN13

9781626254404

Langue

English

Poids de l'ouvrage

1 Mo

Publisher’s Note This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative informa  tion in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understand ing that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright © 2004 by Nina Brown New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 5674 Shattuck Avenue Oakland, CA 94609 Cover image © Corbis Cover design by Amy Shoup Edited by Karen O’Donnell Stein Text design by Tracy Marie Carlson

ISBN 1572243686 Paperback

PDF ISBN: 9781626254404

New Harbinger Publications’ Web site address: www.newharbinger.com

This book is dedicated to my family.

Contents

Chapter 1 Your Jealous Partner and You

Chapter 2 Triggers of Jealousy (Immediate Factors) and Why They Don’t Matter

Chapter 3 Why Your Partner Turns Green: Some Self Factors

Chapter 4 Past Experiences

Chapter 5 Family of Origin Experiences

Chapter 6 The Jealous Partner: Clingy and Reactive Styles

Chapter 7 The Jealous Partner: Manipulative and Exhibitionistic Styles

111

vi Coping with Your Partner’s Jealousy

Chapter 8 Suggested Coping Strategies

References

135

157

Chapter 1

Your Jealous Partner and You

Note to the Reader The information in this book is presented to help guide you in understanding yourself and your partner. Nothing contained herein is intended to support physical or emotional abuse. If you think you may be in an abusive relationship, I strongly encourage you to seek help and guidance from agencies and professionals in your commu nity who are trained in how to help victims of abusive relationships. I believe that it is important to use genderfree language, and so I have chosen to use male and female pronouns in alternating chapters. Hence, in chapters 1, 3, 5, and 7 I use male pronouns, and in chapters 2, 4, 6, and 8 I use female pronouns. In every instance, both genders are included. —Nina W. Brown

Sara had had a wonderful time at the party. It had been such a good evening that Sara did not want it to end so soon, so as her boyfriend, Todd, drove her home, she asked him if he wanted to stay awhile after they got to her apart ment. She was surprised and shocked when Todd said no in a very curt and abrupt way. Sara immediately asked what was wrong, but Todd just glared at her and kept driving. Sara kept trying to find out what had produced Todd’s mood, which was so different from the one he had

2 Coping with Your Partner’s Jealousy

displayed at the party, but he would say nothing. When they arrived at her apartment building, Sara once more asked him to come in, but he just told her to get out and shut the car door. By this time Sara was in tears and feeling very upset. Todd just drove off, leaving her standing on the sidewalk. Her evening was now ruined, and all her good feelings about the party were gone. She could not imagine what had gotten into Todd. Over the next two weeks, Sara kept trying to get Todd to talk to her about their relationship and discover what his anger had been all about, but he kept evading her. Finally, after several attempts to talk with Todd, and many tears, she called his best friend to see if he had any clues or suggestions. Todd’s friend, Bill, told her that Todd was convinced that Sara did not really care for him, and that he was trying to keep from being hurt any more than he was already. Sara was perplexed, and she asked what had given Todd that notion. Bill told her that Todd had been upset ever since the party, where he saw Sara showing interest in another man. Sara didn’t know what he meant, and asked for more information. Bill told her to talk with Todd and hung up. Sara didn’t know what to do, but since she really cared for Todd and thought that he cared for her, she decided to try once again to talk with him. She called him and, when he picked up the phone, she rushed to tell him that she had talked with Bill. She said that she wanted Todd to know that she really cared for him and wanted to work out whatever was getting in the way of the relationship. He agreed to meet for coffee the next day. At their meeting, Todd was initially remote and detached. When Sara told him what Bill had said, he tensed but did not become angry. Sara asked him what had caused him to think that she was interested in someone else, and Todd told her that he had seen how she had smiled, flirted, and spent a lot of time with Bart at the party. Sara was stunned. She did not recall treating Bart any differ ently than anyone else at the party, and she certainly was n’t interested in him. After much explaining and entreating on her part, Todd seemed to accept that she was not trying to dump him.

Your Jealous Partner and You 3

Todd and Sara continued their relationship for a year, but they finally broke up after several incidents in which Todd became jealous and withdrawn. Sara gave up trying to persuade him that she was not going to leave him for some one else, only to be confronted with the same charge time after time.

Sara and Todd’s situation is an example of how jealousy can affect a relationship, and it points to the irrational nature of jeal ousy. Nothing Sara did or said could persuade Todd that she cared and was not going to leave him. Sara never understood that Todd required constant reassurance of her fidelity to him, that he craved all her attention and admiration, and that he was constantly alert for any sign that shemightbe thinking about abandoning him. The more she tried to say and do to let Todd know that she cared for him, the less convinced he seemed to be. She could not understand why he saw every man with whom she talked as a rival, but she did see that her efforts to make him see otherwise were not working. She finally became tired of trying and gave up. Todd’s fear that Sara would leave him was finally realized. If you are in a relationship with a jealous partner, you can probably identify with many of the actions and feelings Sara expe rienced. Trying to provide reassurance, seeking to understand what triggered the jealousy, and trying to modify your behavior are common reactions. If you care for your partner and don’t get a thrill out of his jealousy (yes, some people do get a thrill out of their partner’s jealousy), you try very hard not to do or say any thing that could provoke his jealousy, but your attempts are not entirely successful. You may even feel guilty for not being able to prevent his jealous feelings. Or, after a while, you may give up try ing to make him believe that you are faithful and become resentful of the accusations. Neither of these responses is helpful for the relationship. Sara’s case, despite her considerable emotional distress, was relatively mild in comparison to other incidences. There are part  ners who become jealous when their partners even look at or act pleasant to other people, are suspicious of neighbors and other peo ple casually encountered, and may even be jealous of their partner’s relationships with family members and friends. Extreme jealousy can lead to physical abuse, and even homicide. These are severe cases with unacceptable outcomes.

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