Children of the Aging Self-Absorbed , livre ebook

“ Children of the Aging Self-Absorbed fills an important niche in the self-help literature: dealing with aging, difficult, narcissistic parents and grandparents. The book is a guide for adult children of such parents, and offers much wisdom. Brown delineates four types of self-absorbed parents—Clingy, Suspicious-Defensive, Arrogant, and Belligerent—and provides excellent strategies for managing interactions with each type of parent. The book has useful exercises designed to help readers manage their side of these very difficult relationships more effectively. The overriding message is that the adult child must—and can—let go of hoping to change the parent and instead develop self-protective coping behaviors. This book is a good resource for anyone dealing with an aging self-absorbed parent or grandparent, as well as for therapists helping their clients in such situations.”
— Eleanor F. Counselman, EdD, ABPP, CGP, LFAGPA , president-elect of the American Group Psychotherapy Association, and assistant clinical professor of psychiatry, Harvard Medical School
“Nina Brown lights the way, helping you navigate the roller coaster of caring for narcissistic, aging parents and grandparents. This groundbreaking book introduces valuable exercises and practical advice to strengthen your resilience and protect you from taking in the negativity of your self-absorbed parents.”
— Ann Steiner, PhD, MFT, CGP, FAGPA , faculty of The Psychotherapy Institute, board member of the American Group Psychotherapy Association, and author of How to Create and Sustain Groups that Thrive
“This new text by Nina Brown makes clear the impact of self-absorbed parents and offers some useful techniques about what to do about them. … Written in an easily accessible and commonsense tone, [ Children of the Aging Self-Absorbed has] something to offer for those with relatively little background in psychology and human development theory, as well as those with considerable experience. … Brown takes the reader through the basics of coping with a problem that is faced by a good deal of the early, middle, and later adult population. … This text is a useful and practical review of the issues involved with parent-child dynamics in the adulthood years and provides some solid structure for describing, categorizing, and responding to these issues in an effective manner.”
— Joshua M. Gross, PhD, ABPP, CGP , psychologist and director of group programs at The University Counseling Center at Florida State University, where he practices group and family psychology as well as trains and supervises doctoral and post-doctoral trainees
New Harbinger Publications, Inc. -->
Publisher’s Note
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought.

Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

Copyright © 2015 by Nina W. Brown New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 5674 Shattuck Avenue Oakland, CA 94609 www.newharbinger.com

Cover design by Amy Shoup
Acquired by Melissa Valentine
Edited by Brady Kahn


All Rights Reserved

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file

ePub ISBN: 9781626252066
This book is dedicated to my family, who continue to give me encouragement, support, and, most of all, joy.
Contents
Preface
Acknowledgments
CHAPTER 1: Aging and the Self-Absorbed Parent
CHAPTER 2: Types of Self-Absorbed Parents
CHAPTER 3: Why You React as You Do
CHAPTER 4: Changing Your Thinking to Change Your Response
CHAPTER 5: General Coping Strategies
CHAPTER 6: Coping Strategies for Clingy and Suspicious / Defensive Types
CHAPTER 7: Coping Strategies for Arrogant and Belligerent Types
CHAPTER 8: Managing Conflict and Assaultive Confrontations
CHAPTER 9: Protecting Your Self
CHAPTER 10: Protecting Others
Preface
Aging is a natural part of life and brings many changes to and for each of us. Many of these changes happen gradually over time and may go unnoticed until they reach a certain point where we become aware of them and can no longer deny them. Many books and other resources are available to guide people through the aging process and to provide an understanding of age-related conditions. This book has a different focus: it guides you as the adult child of a self-absorbed parent who is aging, to help you gain a better understanding of how your parent’s aging may affect his or her already self-absorbed behaviors and attitudes and to provide coping suggestions for how to succeed and thrive in spite of them.
Emphasized are your thoughts, feelings, and reactions, as these are your resources for a constructive building of your self that will withstand the negative impact of your parent’s behavior and attitudes on your conscious and unconscious self-perception, self-confidence, and self-esteem. The focus will not be on the self-absorbed parent, as your parent is unlikely to change. Unfortunately, there is little or nothing that you can do to promote and encourage positive change for your parent. However, there is much you can do to promote and encourage positive change for yourself.
You may now have a family you created in addition to your family of origin and be concerned about how your self-absorbed parent can and does negatively affect your created family. You may want to protect your family from distressing behaviors and attitudes that you’ve encountered all your life, as you know very well how hurtful and destructive they can be. This book describes how you can prepare yourself and your family, offers possible interventions when interacting with your parent, and gives some strategies for minimizing your parent’s negative impact on your family members. Finally, this book is intended to encourage and support you in your own growth and development and to guide you in finding personal solutions.
Chapters 1 and 2 describe some of the concerns and problems with aging that can increase a parent’s already self-absorbed behaviors and attitudes and cover four types of self-absorbed parents. Chapters 3 and 4 focus on your reactions and thinking processes in response to a self-absorbed parent and on how to be more effective. Chapters 5 through 7 offer some suggestions for how to communicate with your parent and cope. Chapter 8 helps you manage conflict and assaultive confrontations. Chapters 9 and 10 provide you with some additional strategies for protecting yourself and your family members and loved ones. Chapter 11 summarizes how to use the strategies in this book, so that you can reduce or eliminate your self-absorbed parent’s influence on you, and how to succeed and thrive in your life.
It is my hope that the material in this book will be helpful. While your parent’s behaviors and attitudes were influential in your development, they do not have to continue to impact you. You can overcome the negative impact and become the person you want to be.
Acknowledgments
It is important to acknowledge the ideas, concepts, and contributions of others who helped in the development of this book. The ideas and concepts developed by mental health professionals through the years, the research on treatment strategies, and my colleagues from the Society of Group Psychology and Group Psychotherapy and the American Group Psychotherapy Association continually trigger a better understanding of difficult and narcissistic people, and I appreciate the work that they do.
No book is created in isolation. Acknowledged are the contributions by New Harbinger’s Acquisitions Editor Melissa Valentine, Editorial Manager Jess Beebe, and Associate Editor Nicola Skidmore. My sincere thanks to all of you.
Chapter 1
Aging and the Self-Absorbed Parent
The following vignette describes a painful dilemma frequently encountered by adult children of self-absorbed parents.
Dennis’s Story
Dennis had been on edge for the past two weeks ever since his father, who lived in another state, announced that he and Dennis’s mother were coming to visit Dennis and his family. While Dennis had told his wife about the proposed visit, they had agreed to delay telling the children—Bob, age nine, and Cybil, age seven—because neither child liked their grandfather. This dislike was so intense that the children refused to ride in the car with their grandfather unless Dennis was with them. Dennis was really dreading the visit.
Dennis found it hard to describe what his father did that caused such dislike by his family, and although he had a lifetime of experiencing his father’s behavior and attitudes, he could not put words to what was so troubling about them. When he talked about his father, he could only say that his father was arrogant, gave orders, and expected prompt obedience and compliance, that he lacked empathy, and that he expected everyone to admire him.
Dennis knew that his father was beginning to show some signs of aging and wasn’t pleased about it, but Dennis had hoped that aging would result in some positive changes for his father, such as becoming more aware and sensitive to the impact of what he said and did. So far, none of this had happened, and Dennis feared that his father’s actions during his visit would have a devastating effect on his wife and children.
Like Dennis, if your parent is self-absorbed, you’ve been dealing with some negative and distressing behaviors and attitudes for probably as long as you can remember, and these behaviors and attitudes have probably only gotten worse as your parent aged. What you need are some practical strategies to use to protect yourself and your children, your spouse or partner, and others in your intimate world who have to interact with your parent.
This book focuses on how aging impacts the self-absorbed parent, how