Abe and Mawruss - Being Further Adventures of Potash and Perlmutter

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Title: Abe and Mawruss
Being Further Adventures of Potash and Perlmutter
Author: Montague Glass
Release Date: June 29, 2006 [EBook #18714]
Language: English
Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK ABE AND MAWRUSS ***
Produced by YaTHauSeR Taltari, Suzanne Shell and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.netIf a feller wants to make a success in business
he should be a little up to date, ain't it?"
ABE a n d
MAWRUSS
BEING FURTHER
ADVENTURES o f
POTASH AND PERLMUTTER
by
MONTAGUE GLASS
Illustrated by
J. J. GOULD AND MARTIN JUSTICE
GARDEN CITY NEW YORK
DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY
1911
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, INCLUDING THAT OF TRANSLATION
INTO FOREIGN LANGUAGES, INCLUDING THE SCANDINAVIAN
COPYRIGHT, 1911, BY DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY
COPYRIGHT, 1909, BY FRANK A. MUNSEY COMPANY
COPYRIGHT, 1910, 1911, BY THE CURTIS PUBLISHING COMPANYCONTENTS
I. SYMPATHY
II. THE JUDGEMENT OF PARIS
III. DEAD MEN'S SHOES
IV. THE RAINCOAT KING
V. A RETURN TO ARCADY
VI. A PRESENT FOR MR. GEIGERMANN
VII. BROTHERS ALL
VIII. R. S. V. P.
IX. FIRING MISS COHEN
X. AUX ITALIENS
XI. MAN PROPOSES
ILLUSTRATIONS
"If a feller wants to make a success in business he should be
a little up to date, ain't it?"
"If he would stole it he would of gave it to me, lady"
"Do you know anything about them old violins?"
"Mr. Potash," the visitor began, "every merchant is at times
confronted with a situation which demands a few appropriate
remarks"
CHAPTER ONE
SYMPATHY
"I COME DOWN ON THE SUBWAY WITH MAX LINKHEIMER THIS MORNING, MAWRUSS,"
ABE POTASH SAID TO HIS PARTNER, MORRIS PERLMUTTER, AS THEY SAT IN THE SHOWROOM
one hot July morning. "That feller is a regular philantropist."
"I BET YER," MORRIS REPLIED. "HE WOULD TALK A TIN EAR ON TO YOU IF YOU ONLY GIVE
HIM A CHANCE. LEON SAMMET TOO, ABE, I ASSURE YOU. I SEEN LEON IN THE HARLEM
WINTER GARDEN LAST NIGHT, AND THE GOODS HE SOLD WHILE HE WAS TALKING TO ME AND
BARNEY GANS, ABE, IN TWO SEASONS WE DON'T DO SUCH A BUSINESS. YES, ABE;
Leon Sammet is just such another one of them fellers like Max Linkheimer."
"WHAT D'YE MEAN—'SUCH ANOTHER ONE OF THEM FELLERS LIKE MAX LINKHEIMER'?"
ABE REPEATED. "BETWEEN LEON SAMMET AND MAX LINKHEIMER IS THE DIFFERENCE
like day from night. Max Linkheimer is one fine man, Mawruss."
MORRIS SHRUGGED. "I DIDN'T SAY HE WASN'T," HE REJOINED. "ALL I SAYS WAS THAT
LEON SAMMET IS ANOTHER ONE OF THEM PHILANTRO FELLERS TOO, ABE. TALKS YOU DEEF,dumb and blind."
Abe rose to his feet and stared indignantly at his partner.
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT COMES OVER YOU LATELY, MAWRUSS," HE CRIED. "SEEMINGLY
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE AT ALL. A PHILANTROPIST AIN'T A
schmooser, Mawruss."
"I KNOW HE AIN'T, ABE; BUT JUST THE SAME MAX LINKHEIMER IS A FELLER WHICH HE
GOT A WHOLE LOT TOO MUCH TO SAY FOR HIMSELF. FURTHERMORE, ABE, MY MINNIE SAYS
MRS. LINKHEIMER TELLS HER MAX AIN'T HOME A SINGLE NIGHT NEITHER, AND WHEN A
man neglects his family like that, Abe, I ain't got no use for him at all."
"THAT'S BECAUSE HE BELONGS TO EIGHT LODGES," ABE REPLIED. "THERE AIN'T A
single Sunday neither which he ain't busy with funerals too, Mawruss."
"IS THAT SO?" MORRIS RETORTED. "WELL, IF I WOULD BE IN THE BUTTON BUSINESS, ABE,
I WOULD BE A PHILANTROPIST TOO. A FELLER'S GOT TO BELONG TO EIGHT LODGES IF HE'S IN
the button business, Abe, because otherwise he couldn't sell no goods at all."
Abe continued:
"LINKHEIMER AIN'T LOOKING TO SELL GOODS TO LODGE BROTHERS, MAWRUSS. HE'S TOO
OLD ESTABLISHED A BUSINESS FOR THAT. HE'S GOT A HEART TOO, MAWRUSS. WHY THE
MONEY THAT FELLER SPENDS ON CHARITY, MAWRUSS, YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE AT ALL. HE
TOLD ME SO HIMSELF. ALWAYS HE TRIES TO DO GOOD. ONLY THIS MORNING, MAWRUSS, HE
WAS TELLING ME ABOUT A YOUNG FELLER BY THE NAME SCHENKMANN WHICH HE IS
TRYING TO FIND A POSITION FOR AS STOCK CLERK. NOBODY WOULD TAKE THE YOUNG FELLER
ON, MAWRUSS, BECAUSE HE GOT INTO TROUBLE WITH A HOUSE IN DALLAS, TEXAS, WHICH
THEY CLAIM THE YOUNG FELLER STOLE FROM THEM A HUNDRED DOLLARS, MAWRUSS. BUT
LINKHEIMER SAYS HOW IF YOU WOULD GIVE A DAWG A BAD NAME, MAWRUSS, YOU
MIGHT JUST AS WELL GIVE HIM TO THE DAWGCATCHER. SO LINKHEIMER IS WILLING TO TAKE
A CHANCE ON THIS HERE FELLER SCHENKMANN, AND HE GIVES HIM A JOB IN HIS OWN
place."
"DAWGS I DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT AT ALL, ABE," MORRIS COMMENTED. "BUT I
WOULD BE WILLING TO GIVE THE YOUNG FELLER A SHOW TOO, ABE, IF I WOULD ONLY GOT
PLAIN BONE AND METAL BUTTONS IN STOCK. BUT WHEN YOU CARRY A COUPLE HUNDRED
pieces silk goods, Abe, like we do, then that's something else again."
"WELL, MAWRUSS, Gott sei dank WE DON'T GOT TO GET A NEW SHIPPING CLERK.
JAKE HAS BEEN WITH US FIVE YEARS NOW, MAWRUSS, AND SO FAR WHAT I COULD SEE HE
ain't got ambition enough to ask for a raise even, let alone look for a better job."
"YOU SHOULDN'T CONGRADULATE YOURSELF TOO QUICK, ABE," MORRIS REPLIED.
"AMBITION HE'S GOT IT PLENTY, BUT HE AIN'T GOT THE NERVE. WE REALLY OUGHT TO GIVE
THE FELLER A RAISE, ABE. I MEAN IT. EVERY TIME I GO NEAR HIM AT ALL HE GIVES ME A
look, and the first thing you know, Abe, he would be leaving us."
"LOOKS WE COULD STAND IT, MAWRUSS; BUT IF WE WOULD START IN GIVING HIM A
RAISE THERE WOULD BE NO END TO IT AT ALL. Lass's bleiben. IF THE FELLER WANTS A RAISE,
Mawruss, he should ask for it."
BARELY TWO WEEKS AFTER THE CONVERSATION ABOVE SET FORTH, HOWEVER, JAKE
entered the firm's private office and tendered his resignation.
"Mr. Perlmutter," he said, "I'm going to leave.""Going to leave?" Morris cried. "What d'ye mean—going to leave?"
"GOING TO LEAVE?" ABE REPEATED CRESCENDO. "AN IDEA! YOU SHOULD
positively do nothing of the kind."
"IT WOULDN'T BE NO MORE THAN YOU DESERVE, JAKE, IF WE WOULD FIRE YOU RIGHT
OUT OF THE STORE," MORRIS ADDED. "YOU WORK FOR US HERE FIVE YEARS AND THEN YOU
come to us and say you are going to leave. Did you ever hear of such a thing? If
you want it a couple dollars more a week, we would give it to you and fartig. BUT
IF YOU GET FRESH AND COME TO US AND TELL US YOU ARE GOING TO LEAVE, Y'UNDERSTAND,
then that's something else again."
"Moost I work for you if I don't want to?" Jake asked.
"'S enough, Jake," Abe said. "We heard enough from you already."
"ALL RIGHT, MR. POTASH," HE REPLIED. "BUT JUST THE SAME I AM TELLING YOU, MR.
POTASH, YOU SHOULD LOOK FOR A NEW SHIPPING CLERK, AS I BOUGHT IT A CANDY, CIGAR
and stationery store on Lenox Avenue, and I am going to quit Saturday sure."
"WELL, ABE, WHAT DID I TOLD YOU?" MORRIS SAID BITTERLY, AFTER JAKE HAD LEFT THE
OFFICE. "FOR THE SAKE OF A COUPLE OF DOLLARS A WEEK, ABE, WE ARE LOSING A GOOD
shipping clerk."
Abe covered his embarrassment with a mirthless laugh.
"GOOD SHIPPING CLERKS YOU COULD GET ANY DAY IN THE WEEK, MAWRUSS," HE
SAID. "WE AIN'T GOING TO GO OUT OF BUSINESS EXACTLY, Y'UNDERSTAND, JUST BECAUSE
JAKE IS LEAVING US. I BET YER IF WE WOULD ADVERTISE IN TO-MORROW MORNING'S PAPER
we would get a dozen good shipping clerks."
"GO AHEAD, ADVERTISE," MORRIS GRUNTED. "THIS IS YOUR IDEE JAKE LEAVES US,
ABE, AND NOW YOU SHOULD FIND SOMEBODY TO TAKE HIS PLACE. I'M SICK AND TIRED
making changes in the store."
"ALWAYS KICKING, MAWRUSS, ALWAYS KICKING!" ABE RETORTED. "BY SATURDAY I
bet yer we would get a hundred good shipping clerks already."
BUT SATURDAY CAME AND WENT, AND ALTHOUGH IN THE MEANTIME OLD AND YOUNG
SHIPPING CLERKS OF EVERY DEGREE OF UNCLEANLINESS PASSED IN REVIEW BEFORE ABE
and Morris, none of them proved acceptable.
"ALL RIGHT, ABE," MORRIS SAID ON THE MONDAY MORNING AFTER JAKE HAD GONE,
"YOU DONE ENOUGH ABOUT THIS HERE SHIPPING CLERK BUSINESS. GIVE ME A SHOW. I
AIN'T GOT SUCH LIBERAL IDEES ABOUT SHIPPING CLERKS AS YOU GOT, ABE, BUT ALL THE
same, Abe, I think I could go at this business with a little system, y'understand."
"YOU SHOULDN'T TROUBLE YOURSELF, MAWRUSS," ABE REPLIED, WITH AN AIRY WAVE
of his hand. "I hired one already."
"YOU HIRED ONE ALREADY, ABE!" MORRIS REPEATED. "WELL, AIN'T I GOT SOMETHING
to say about it too?"
"AGAIN KICKING, MAWRUSS?" ABE EXCLAIMED. "YOU YOURSELF TOLD ME I SHOULD
find a shipping clerk, and so I done so."
"Well," Morris cried, "ain't I even entitled to know the feller's name at all?""SURE YOU ARE ENTITLED TO KNOW HIS NAME," ABE ANSWERED. "HE'S A YOUNG
feller by the name of Schenkmann."
"SCHENKMANN," MORRIS SAID SLOWLY. "SCHE